overwhelmed.

We all know being sleep deprived has no real positive effect on anyone.  Other than those that become thoroughly entertaining in the loopy stages of deprivation that is.  However there is certainly a fine line between said loopy stage and the semi-unconscious droning that we all know too well.  Driving to work and realizing you were auto-piloting the whole way and forgot to stop for the necessary coffee run along the way.  Chugging along with your daily mindless tasks only to realize you forgot about eating.  Come on, don't deny it....we've all been there.  Zombies. Mindless zombies.

PS Now would be a good time to add that I hate, nay, LOATHE zombies.  My prejudice against the undead extends from the deepest part of my very, very alive soul.  Don't ask me why, it's a thing. 

But I digress...

Apparently, lately for me being tired means that my brain tries to go into overdrive to combat the loss of basic thought processes... I have found the more I need to sleep, the more I tend to over think.  Whispers of thoughts so forcefully brushed to the back of my mind invade my waking moments.  Hell probably even into my sub-conscious I'm sure.  If I were to be able to remember my dreams rather than falling deep into REM I'm sure they would be packed full of meaning and confusing imagery.  For a while my dreams were extraordinarily demented.  I'm sure now they'd still be the same, reflecting the same theme over and over again.  I can't seem to get any of it together, I can't seem to choose a path and stick with it.  I keep backtracking to the same problems, only to find it harder, more difficult a terrain each time I pick a direction. 

I want it to come easily, but now I've just made it harder for me. I keep coming up with distractions from the real issues at hand, and now as the year quickly comes to a close, I find myself thinking...I wish I had the strength to defeat...myself.

Common sense tells you there's a difference between a need and a want. But there are many out there who just can't distinguish between the two. And sometimes even those of us who normally can, find ourselves wondering what the difference is. Sometimes we want something so badly we feel like we need it. Sometimes we try to justify that desire by saying we need it. It's an addiction. We fight to our very core by persuading ourselves that it's suppose to be a certain way. Yet somewhere deep down most of us realize that it's not actually true. So what happens when the line gets blurred and you find yourself stuck wondering what it is you really need versus what it is you're trying to convince yourself you need? What happens if you're wondering if what you need ends up turning out to be what you want? How do you separate the two?

Over thinking some things. Clearly not thinking enough about others. But I can't help what goes on in the internal dialogue...I can't make myself care. Or can I?

11.11.11

...you've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya...punk?!


Be careful what you wish for...

Money comes with hidden strings
Best prepare yourself for such things
Luck and Love are usually on the list
But they can turn and wicked twist
The Past sounds easy to wish for
But that path was set long before
Fame and Fortune you may desire
Though these are things of which you may tire

A simple wish for the gods today

Piece of mind is my wish what do you say?

 

 

 

 

TGIF. seriously. my head has been spinning all week :(

breathe, just breathe...

private thoughts of private flings
grieve the loss of private things
all alone with no one to turn to
fast forward through time to rise anew

You know you're messed up when your therapist feels the need to bust out the "Are you having scary thoughts about hurting yourself?"  I mean, I know that's a standard question to ask of anyone sitting in that room who clearly isn't in the right state of mind.  But wow...  No, I'm not contemplating on offing myself lady. Trust me. I value life far too much for that. No...I just want to go off the grid. Disappear.  Thankfully it's hibernation season, and I have an excuse for uncharacteristic grumpiness. 

Unfortunately, I'm going to insist on torturing myself with unrealistically romantic girly movies. The best line I can think of is "breathe, just breathe" a la Danielle (Ever After). So, that's all I'll be doing for a while. And indulging in massive quantities of ice cream and chocolate.

Going MIA. </3

:'(

holding on to the memories
etched in the sand
they could be washed away
by a wave or by my hand
but for now i'll treasure them
for now i'll build a moat
keeping the waves at bay
and holding my heart afloat
they're all there
the good and the bad
and for the first time
i treasure the happy and the sad
i'm dying here all alone
keeping you far from me
but its for the best
to just let you be
for now i hold the memory
of your eyes your hands your lips
for now i feel the ghosts
of your touches and your kiss
i'm sorry i had to break my promise
i'm sorry i had to let you go
i'm sorry i had to walk away
i'm sorry i had to hurt you so

what you don't say

don't you know it hurts me
when i read between the lines
and slowly i come to see
what i never hoped to find
don't you know i sit here in tears
when i think about the end
knowing that all my fears
are just coming 'round the bend
that i just torture myself
imagining what you think
you put me on the shelf
and i teeter on the brink
don't you know you can say
the most hurtful things
and i go out of my way
to clip my own wings
and keep me from the sky
don't you know that's what i want
to spread my arms and fly
but all i do is preen and flaunt
to keep you satisfied
i sit and look pretty
i don't know if you've tried
though it is a pity
i need to let you go
i need to let you grow
you don't know what you need
and i only keep you here
to fill my own greed
to soothe my own fear
but it still hurts me that way
to realize what you don't
the things you don't say
what you do and what you won't

One of these days...

One of these days
I'll stand up for me
One of these days
I'll be who I wanna be
And one of these days
I'll be able to see
my reflection in the mirror and say,
You did all you could,
But sometimes it's just not enough
You'll grow and get stronger,
Now the road's not so rough
You'll have it all
And all the right stuff
Well,
Maybe one of these days....

Pregosaurus X-ing

Maybe its the hormones talking but it seems like I've been snapping at everyone lately. I just thought it was funny when my co-worker called me "saucy" but I have been noticing an increasing trend in my overall moodiness and there are some holes in my mouth filter.  Perhaps this pregnancy has gotten me to come out of my shell a bit more.  Mostly because I just don't give a shit anymore.  You piss me off, I'm going to let you know.  I used to think it was hard to piss me off but honestly, it's quite easy.  Watch out world!

stuck in my head all day...

pop stars unite...

...and sing your heart out.

Havin' a bad day Doug

If you've ever watched the movie 50 First Dates, you'll know what I'm referring to. If not, here's a clip of the scene.

Essentially, Lucy the main character who had an accident and can forever only recall her life up to that day, finds out that she's being deceived every day into reliving the same day, every day.  I love this movie and have seen it repeatedly. In short, nothing quite describes how I'm feeling right now than that simple phrase.  'Havin' a bad day Doug'...

Today, after several days of blind euphoria, I have crashed.  I was desperately hoping to get through this week in ignorant bliss, just until I can get to go on my vacation and see my sorority sisters and my cousin out in San Francisco.  Just until I could get away and relax and spend time to myself.   I almost made it....I leave tomorrow.  But alas, my thoughts and emotions have broken through the glass wall I tried so desperately to erect.  Its an unrelenting torrent of unspoken words and memories.  I'm trying to convince myself that everything will turn out ok, that things will be different, that I can be stronger, better.  But needless to say, I'm finding it a difficult task today.  I'm falling apart and I've got nothing and no one to hold me together. ::head meet desk::

checkmate

strugglin to keep from drowning, trying to stay afloat
my castle is a fortress, with an ocean for a moat
life's no fairytale, you can't always get what you want
the sisters weave the story, and they like to tease and taunt
do some things last forever, or is there always an expiration
you tore through my fortress, then left no explanation
you left me standing here, naked and exposed
when last i checked, i had myself upright and composed
broken and battered, stripped of all my armor
gone is my knight, who'da thought you were such a charmer
how contented you seem, to leave it up to fate
you only need one word though, that's 'checkmate'.

Walled up.

Edgar Allan Poe - The Cask of Amontillado

I took myself away to hide and built a brick wall.  I feel it all around me encasing me, choking me, not letting anyone in.  I'm lying to most everyone, and I'm lying to myself. Too afraid to disappoint everyone.  You live your whole life doing what's expected, what you think other people would want...how can you know what you want when you've never actually sat down and thought about it? How can you find out what you want when your whole being exists to please others, to do what they want, or at lest to do what you think they want, to be living a life that is deemed acceptable or more than expected by those people whom you care about the most?  How do you love yourself when you look into your own heart and find the one person you've disappointed the most is you? 

heart.

<3 this song. bringin' it back into the play list...

random thoughts

the day has just begun and yet already a myriad of thoughts have crossed my mind.
starting with first awakening:
1. where is my husband? turns out he never made it home last night. part of me was not surprised.

2. why am i sleeping crooked? this is why...

morning mommy! i get breakfast now?

good morning to you too kona. thanks for taking mommy's leg space.

3. what happened to my alarm? ...somehow i managed to shut it off. luckily i woke up in time anyway.

4. why does my house smell like a skunk dragged itself inside and died?!  no time to figure that one out. i'm hoping by the time i get home this evening there's no more smell.

5. so...many...dirty...dishes...no time. i'll do them later. maybe. if i have time before we leave for the show...unless i decide to take a nap. 

6. checklist. make sure kona poops, check. feed the kona, check. fill water bowl, check. take meds, check. am i missing something? i feel like i'm missing something....ah too late. gotta go. keys keys where are my keys?

7. why does my car sound like an rc car? the goldsmobile has seen better days.  a year and a half ago the transmission had to be rebuilt and its never been the same since.  had it checked out several times since but the transmission shop says it looks good. but i've had this baby for 10 years so i know when she sounds sick. a couple days ago i noticed a strange sound. this morning i just finally equated it to an electric toy car. on my drive to work i noticed its only in the lower gears. i used to make fun of my plastic civic but now it actually does make a "wrrrrrrrr" sound. insert sad face here.

8. (sees a bag of bagels and/or donuts tossed out on the side of the road) who the heck throws donuts away?! (contemplates stopping to pick it up...decides that's probably the grossest thought i've ever had and continues driving) then i realize i've already done something super gross like that...this one time i was waiting for my friends to arrive at the airport for our flight out to the west coast so i stopped to get an ice cream cone.  i was quickly spotted and sought out by an older black gentleman who decided he wanted to chat.  now if you know me, this is part of my black peen magnetism which i don't care for. in my frustration of trying to get out of this conversation i drop my damn ice cream.  but did i pick it up and throw it away? no. i picked it up and ran to the bathroom to 'wash' the ice cream and continued to mow down on it.  THAT will forever be the grossest thing i've ever done. hey, i didn't contract some strange stomach bug so it worked out.  and i've never told anyone that until just now. hm. maybe i should have kept that one to myself...

9. what oh what should i have to eat for breakfast? i had mcd's yesterday today will be dunkin donuts. hm gonna be a long day, maybe i should get coffee. i shouldn't have caffeine though. but i'm gonna need it...maybe a little one. this continues back and forth until i pull up to the drive thru speaker and say "medium hazelnut coffee cream and extra sugar" to the teller. no..i don't have dunkin donuts for breakfast every friday...<shoves last bit of breakfast sandwich into mouth, chews slowly, swallows, sips coffee>

10. turn off the front porch light!!! i knew i was forgetting something...

It's going to be a long day. Let us see how sweet pea handles the morning coffee. I've resisted my morning cup since the day I found out.  When I've had other various coffee drinks (read: starbucks java chip frapp like once a week) he/she seems to do just fine.  Cola however makes for an interesting belly acrobatics plus a crazy sugar rush. Did that once...never again.

Let the weekend commence.

PS if this doesn't make your day better I don't know what will....

dopamine.

need more of this. and this tat might be next on my list.

the harder i fight it the harder it slaps me back.
the stronger i get the weaker i feel.
the more i think the less i know.
the farther i run from it the closer it is.
i get back up only to fall down again.
this is life. my life. and its time to change.

the quest for happiness is cloudy and fraught with indecision and uncertainty.  i dove head first into this mist hoping for the best outcome and though i knew it would be difficult, i only now realize i'm still just navigating the surface.  doing the backstroke in murky waters and going in circles.  just when i get the nerve to do something i find myself treading in fear because the darkness before the light is intimidating. time attempts to push me forward but i'm battling the waves in the storm.  the only recourse is the dreamworld that surrounds me painting pictures of a life that is not my own.  how do you tell someone you've tied yourself to that somewhere along the way that knot unraveled and you might not care to knot and double knot it again?  when will the tempest rest and give me a moment of clarity?

its war

the 2 halves of my brain are engaged in an epic battle of wills.  logic v emotion.  while they can peacefully coexist in the same warm dark damp habitat that is the inside of my skull, its expected, as with any pairing, that occasionally a difference in opinion may arise.  in my case it's quite rare that the two parts of me are ever in disagreement.  usually one easily dominates the other and can convince that other part of me to compromise.  however, its officially an all out brawl between the two.  significant damage has been done to the personas common sense and contentment. i'm off balance and weakening. purely exhausted from waging this war within me.  why can't we all just get along, sit around a camp fire and sing kumbaya?  i need a nap.

gimme some heat mon...

if you were to ask me what kind of weather i prefer i would immediately respond with "i like it hot".  i'm most comfortable when the weather is a more moderate 78°F but i love it when it's sunny and 85°.  the only exception is in the evening...particularly bedtime.  i love to curl up under a big fluffy comforter surrounded by equally fluffy pillows.  that's not happening if it is warm...  not that i can't sleep when it's warm, just that i would prefer to be warm because i'm under soft blankets and pillows and not sprawled out panting like a dog trying to cool off.  add in the weird quirk where i prefer to breathe cool, dry air and not hot, humid air and i'm quite the sight all bundled up save for my nose and mouth which must have access to cooler air. 

that said...in my house i expect the air conditioning system to work the most at night.  which it failed to do last night. i woke up almost wheezing because the air was hot and thick, saturated heavily which is no surprise since it was also storming like mad.  frustrated, i seriously debated sleeping in my dusty, construction trash filled, unfinished basement.  and i hate unfinished basements. they scare me.  here's to hoping my house isn't a furnace when i get home later.  poor kona is probably panting his little heart out.

total change in topic: i can't wait to be able to do this to my baby...jan can't come fast enough! (just kidding. jan can wait...take your time, no rush!)

 eeeeee...too friggin cute.

torn

ripped apart
peacefully content and yet a turbulence of thoughts and emotions race through me. knitting the pieces of me back but finding more holes and unraveled parts. fixing and breaking and repeating.  healing and hurting and losing.

one small step for man...

...one giant leap for moi....

my life has recently taken a nosedive into the dark oblivion and for the past couple months or so i have been battling the wildest emotional rollercoaster i have ever experienced.  today begins a new chapter titled "the quest for happiness".  i don't know what kinds of adventures lie ahead in my path.  i don't know what challenges i need to overcome, or what obstacles i may face.  but do we ever know the future? can we prepare ourselves for things unknown? i certainly don't.  and for my entire life up to now it's held me back.  i've always either taken the safest, cleanest route where many have tread before me, or lowered to the dirty levels of scumminess.  i've always had someone to take my hand and lead me. no longer. this time i do this for me. i feel like curling into a ball and waiting until someone comes and picks me up again but no matter the physical pain it causes, my anxiety will no longer hold me back.  i think..maybe...i hope.

strugglin..

i feel like i'm running but i'm falling behind
i'm chasing life but time's being unkind
so lost in my thoughts not paying attention
so many things my friends forgot to mention
how did i let life get away from me
walking blindly unwilling to see
somehow i lost myself along the way
now i dont know what to do or what to say
i'm surrounded but i'm all alone
the elephant in the room just seems to have grown
mouths are moving and words come out
but nothing's being really said no doubt
finding the courage that should be there
to have my mind and my heart laid bare
its a struggle an endless fight
questioning what i want and if its right


i'm lost. someone come find me.

Mom Mode: On

When you're pregnant for the first time, and maybe for some every time you get pregnant...a common fear most women have, the most flagrant question hovering at the corners of your mind is "will I be a good mother?" Well, so far...that's been the case for me.  The thing is though, I've already had brief glimpses of my own motherly prowess and honestly I think I'll be ok. 

Example...yesterday morning not surprisingly our exchange student, Maxime, was awake extremely early.  As I get up super early in the morning to go to work, a teenager up at that time is usually a rare occurrence.  But as he was probably still jet lagged, 6am here is like 1pm in France.  So, I got him to come eat breakfast.  I don't even eat breakfast at home so to prepare breakfast, even though it was just cereal, that's totally new for me.  But at the same time I didn't feel weird about it.  It was like natural.  Then I proceeded to tell the kid to go back to sleep after he ate because I knew his day was going to be extremely long and I was worried he'd get too tired.  Then later on my drive into work I was thinking about the weather and very nearly called the hubby to make sure Maxime was dressed properly.  I stopped myself of course, mildly surprised at my own strange motherly thoughts.  Where the heck did that come from?!

Apparently the mom switch has been turned on.

and then rewind

you're 2 steps ahead while i'm 5 steps behind

i play it all again and then hit rewind

i know where i should be

i know what people want to see

you're leading the way and givin me space

all i want to do is freeze in this time and place

the fear keeps me from moving ahead

yet i know i shouldn't just be spoon fed

i'm just oh so weak

to stand on my own two feet

how do i find the strength to do what i must

to give my heart and learn to trust

i'm lost and wandering

parched in this desert wondering

how do i step out of my own skin

and find the strength from within

theres a light inside that wants to shine

i want to claim it and make it mine

but i'm frozen in place

fear so plainly on my face

oh why can't you see

just how much it hurts me

when you're 2 steps ahead and i'm 5 steps behind

and still i play it all again and then hit rewind

The French Connection

Our French child arrives this afternoon.  I'm excited but I'm also nervous. I'm 27...what do I know about taking care of a teenager?!  Thankfully I'm sure the next 3 weeks will fly by.  Who knows, by the end of this month I may learn a thing or two.  I'm sure I'll learn some French...oui?

Went to the grocery store yesterday to buy snacks for the kid.  Though I'm pretty sure it was merely an excuse to buy ourselves the childhood snacks we'd been denying ourselves.  The sugary prepackaged likes of fruit snacks, jello, s'mores 'granola' bars, goldfish...etc.  In reality, we'll probably be the ones eating all of these snacks ourselves.  I can't complain.  I've been snacking on most nearly anything and everything I can get my hands on.  Especially anything sweet or fruity.  This baby's gonna have a mad sweet tooth.  Just like mom...and grandma...and great grandma...and so on.

Speaking of food, you have to wonder which of our American foods dubbed "french" are actually influenced by french food.  French fries...definitely not.  French toast? I'd go with not on that one too.  French bread? I could go on, however I won't.

Well this should definitely be an experience.  I'll update with more later when we meet the kid. 

the internet reads my mind!!

So I listen to music primarily on Pandora. Mostly because I'm bored of the same old same old crap they play on the radio.  Ok, its not necessarily crap, however all the good songs are extremely overplayed.  And then they become crap.  Bastards.  Anyway...there's been several instances in which the internet seems to read my mind and play such corresponding music that you have to wonder how the hell Pandora knew to choose that next song.  I mean seriously...how many songs are out there and it chooses the 4 in the entire bunch that just sings your heart, all in a row?

Today, the universe decided to speak to me.  I was in one hell of a bad mood, feeling like I was falling apart...like the kind of dull ache of a heartbreak for reasons unknown.  I decided to switch stations because I refuse to listen to J.Lo and that ridiculous song 'On the Floor'...hate that song.  And this came on...oddly uplifting and inspiring.  I suppose though that's what you would get when you listen to Christian Rock.  But I thought I'd share in case the universe decides to lead some lost lonely soul to my page.  My version of paying it forward I guess.

Does anyone know french?

In t-minus 5 days I will become a host mom to a 16 year old French boy.  My neighbor coerced convinced us that we should help with the HOST Chicago program that is bringing in 2 groups of French foreign exchange students for 3 weeks. It is a little odd, a young couple with no kids hosting a teenager.  Especially since both of us work full time during the week, but with help from the neighbors and them having teenagers themselves it should be no problem.  In truth, I'm actually fairly excited. Should be quite the experience.

shutting my trap.

i have run my mouth...or rather my fingers...way too much lately and i think today i've managed to piss off like everyone i've talked to. which is a first...i usually don't piss people off.  and i don't like pissing people off so i've decided at least for the rest of the day, while i'm in this state of mind i will not bring anyone else down to my level of frustrated depression. apparently the things coming out of my head aren't helping anyone and i'm sure everyone's tired of hearing the lame melancholy selfish thoughts of mine.

so i'm shuttin my trap til further notice.

need you now

im choking. walking on eggshells. what do i say, what do i do to make it right? you're there but you're not and i don't know what to do anymore.  i wish i could wake up from this nightmare...

whats in a dream?

i know i dream every night and i know i have multiple dreams every night and obviously i know i don't remember about 99.9% of them.  but the ones i do remember...are either extremely vivid and detailed, or are disturbingly strange and i wake up thinking WHAT.THE.FUCK?! usually the residuals of the dream linger long enough for me to piece most of it back together though sometimes other things come into my mind and i lose the dream as it fades back into my subconscious.  sometimes even when the dream fades it still leaves an impression especially if it's one of the more strange of the bunch.  riding a magic horse to the hospital for instance....actually, that one i remember most of the dream.

last nights dream is a jumble and though most of it has faded there are key parts that i do remember...

first off. i was clearly an assassin. a hired gun.  and within my 'organization' i had one particular person as my competition.  that person was definitely liev schreiber in full assassin mode a la 'salt' however he looked more like this:

hey scruffy...

did i mention i frequently have dreams with celebrities? bruce willis, paul walker, patrick dempsey... mcdreamy in my dreams...woot.

anyway, back to last nights dream.

i was an assassin. and my "buddy" liev and i were going after the same target. but we got spotted and had to run. funny thing dreams...daylight can become night in an instant and outside can become inside.  so we're running in broad daylight and then we find trees below us and all of a sudden we're cloaked in darkness as we literally jump down into the trees and do something called a 'rainbow' where we basically entwine our bodies into the limbs of the tree. (don't ask...i have NO CLUE) our enemies spot us because his pale ass arm was sticking out. again...i dont know how we became invisible by hiding in trees.  and they yell out "it's them he's got the tattoo" and then i realize i have a tattoo on the inside of my wrist. but since they found us i break cover and run...get this...out the door.  like i was inside that whole time. 

the rest are just bits and pieces, me running and meeting up with more people in my organization including my 'significant other' whose face changed a few times...weird. anyway, there was lots of running and shooting.  and the last bit was me and my guy sitting in a cafe guns on the table next to our cups of coffee and as we lean in to kiss...I WAKE UP.

i suppose its better than the magic horse one where i literally was 'flying' on the ground pulling myself along with the help of a woman and a child trying to get to the hospital because i had hives/boils/blisters all over my body after going for a swim in a lake and then getting picked up by the magic horse who took me to the hospital only part of the hospital was an animal hospital so i sill had to find the people part of the hospital but by the time i got there i fainted and had a miscarriage...but also in that same dream i lost one of my best friends so overall it was a really bad dream. 

anyone care to dive in to interpret the oddities of my mind?

...boom...

dreams of you taunt me, haunt me
they make me ache, make me yearn
its never ending, as far as i can see
and the crisp edges of my memory now burn

i wish i could go back to then

so i could get to know you all over again

then maybe we'd learn to fly

with you i wouldn't have to try

and tho i might do things differently

this flame still burns brilliantly

i wonder what people would think if they stepped into my head for a moment and looked around. would they get lost, trapped in my fantasy world? would they get as confused as i do sometimes?

hold me together

almost considered calling in sick today...then realized it would be useless for me to stay home.  why did i consider calling in sick one might wonder, well honestly, because i woke up dreadfully empty.  i woke up missing the body that should have been next to me. missing the sounds and the smell of him. i miss his stupid duck alarm. i woke up even missing the annoying dog whimpers.  while i should undoubtedly have the dog back tonight, its not the same. i feel like my entire being has been ripped apart and i crave just to be held. 

"i'm life annie and life's biting you in the ass."

haunted by the ghosts of the has and could have been
the fates play games only they know where and when
what i had what i lost what i gave up and what i am
is this a test or a game...either way i'll do what i can
i make my moves blindly, no strategy, and just hope i win
its just dumb luck now, this place i find myself in

i want 'my person'....my meridith grey to my christina yang...sigh. look what you've done self.











usher-whats a man to do

i need a hobby.

i'm going nuts.  i can't stand the devastatingly empty feel to this house.  luckily the last few days i have managed to find myself occupied, however tonight i'm left alone to my own overly pessimistic flood of thoughts and no motivation to do a thing.  not even to read.  my head is throbbing in pain from the pure overuse of my brain over the period of the last few days.  unfortunately as i force my thoughts to slow, an aching pain in my chest grows that never have i experienced before. absolute loneliness.  surrounding myself with distractions and people throughout the day only temporarily abates this ever increasing heaviness clawing at the insides of my body. its impossible to fight the feeling knowing it could have all just been prevented.  though i still try to regardless and that battle has left me numb. now all there is to feel is the emptiness.  no tears flow to release the pain as it builds and ruminates within me.  the fear generated by not knowing what lays ahead cripples my ability to care past the basics of eating, sleeping, and bathing.  i find i am missing the simple things and small daily interactions and conversations that i never realized i took for granted.   its true, you know, what they say about not knowing what you'll miss til it's gone....

i need to be occupied. maybe i should bake...blueberry muffins sound yummy...now if i only had some blueberries...

waiting

i'm waiting for a sign
anything to tell me you're still mine
i'm waiting for you to call
to know whether you think about me at all
i'm waiting, laying on the bed
with these thoughts just rushing, gushing through my head
i'm waiting for you to know
that really still love you so
my heart aches
i'll do anything it takes
please just come back to me
i promise i'll make you see
just how much i need you
and that i'm sorry
for everything i've done
you're still my number one
but i know you still need time
to sort through all that's on your mind
so i'm waiting, waiting for you
hoping you still love me too...

i got puffy eyes and a runny nose

people make mistakes. but sometimes those mistakes cost you...big time. and sometimes hearts break.  mines broken in a thousand pieces but it's not even the worst of it.  i don't know if i'll ever come back from the mistakes i've made...not this time. i know deep in my heart i may have destroyed things beyond repair and things will never be the same. i just want to lie down and disappear from the world.  not literally of course...life is a gift and it's not just my own life on the line anymore.

The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home
See no light of day.
Dust gathers on my stereo
Cuz I can't bear to hear the radio
The piano sits in a shaded space
With a picture of your face.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared.

Coffee stains on your favorite book
Remind me of you so I can't take a look.
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore.

A towel left hangin on the wall,
No sign of wet foosteps in the hall
There's no smell of your sweet cologne.
I'm lying here alone.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and now I'm scared.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone, now I'm scared.
In an instant you were gone and I'm scared.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Forget morning sickness...the only time I'm nauseous is when I have an empty stomach.  And I either have no appetite, and have to force myself to eat or I will get nauseous. Or I am ravenously hungry for 12 hrs straight and eat so much I make myself nauseous.  At the moment I happen to be ravenously hungry.  It is this never ending battle to be half full all day long.  It should go away soon.  At least that's what I hear...

Off I go to find food to eat....

some adele love...

...and every time I'm meant to be acting sensible you drift into my head and turn me into a crumbling fool...

...nobody's perfect trust me i've learned it...

In the "Magnited States of America"...

...we make fun of dumb people.

I love that the theater, instead of calling her dumb butt up and kissing her ass to apologize, added it as a warning to future movie patrons who chose to ignore movie etiquette and still use their cell phones during the feature film. 

I know that I, myself, have used my phone to text during the previews and immediately feel bad about illuminating the immediate area with my bright screen in a darkened theater.  Doesn't matter that your phone is on silent, if it's vibrating, it's buzzing and we can hear it.

Looks like Idiocracy was right.  The dumb shall inherit the world.  Good thing I won't be alive to see it happen.

untitled.

Nothing new, nothing clever to say or do.
Thoughts are fleeting, never ceasing.
Driven crazy, getting hazy, always lazy.
It's up, it's down, it's all around.
Not the same, not a game.
It isn't fair, to not be elsewhere.
Where dragons roam, outside my home.
Seek sanctuary, the world is scary.
Run away, or should I stay?

what. the. what?

13 again.

If there was any time for me to act a fool and revert to my 13 year old teenie bopper boy band loving baby face swooning self, it was last night....at the NKOTBSB concert. ::swoon:: Thank you Groupon, for having NKOTBSB tickets for $20.  You have made my entire week.  I really wanted to go and I really didn't want to spend a lot of money just to go, but holy sexy men batman, it was WORTH IT.  I'm kind of jealous that my friend Steph gets to go again when they come back in a couple weeks.  I am utterly and completely wiped out having only had a couple hours of sleep last night but I'm still running on adrenaline replaying the concert in my head over and over and over again.

Those boys are still looking oh so gorgeous.  Donnie Wahlberg...it is a sin for a man over 40 to look as good as you do, but please, don't stop.  Nick Carter...what can I say...If you want me, I'm yours.  Jordan Knight...would you stop looking so hot?! Brian Littrell...you're so sexy and goofy its turning me on.

Highlights...
NKOTB strutting down the not so mysteriously phallic shaped stage.
Donnie ripping his shirt off and throwing it into the audience...I was so entranced by the topless man on stage I nearly missed the cat fight that broke out between
Everything BSB.
NKOTBSB Mash up...It was like a sexplosion of secstasy. 
Old school boy band dance moves.
Hip thrusts and lots of them.
Love Ballads
Nick's little body roll while singing "am I sexual"
Brian and Howie's random entrance right under where we were sitting...considered a highlight because of Brian's proximity however, not so much since I wasn't close enough to touch...sigh.

Hm, so yeah.  Lots of screaming, lots of swooning, lots of man ogling.  I may be a zombie today, but I'm one happy lust filled zombie.

Even better....

AUTOGRAPHED PIC.  That's right be jealous.  So at will call, where I picked up my awesome tickets for the best concert ever, my sister managed to find this little gem.  I was too preoccupied to notice that my cousin slyly walked out with it.  Upon further inspection it was determined that the signatures are in fact...REAL.  Therefore the poor, poor girl who lost it is probably still crying her eyes out as we speak.  To that I say, finders keepers!  My sister tried to steal it from me when she got out of my car, in fact she actually did steal it.  However I know she knows that I know she's going to give that thing back to me.   So no I did not in reality get to meet them, however I may be OK with people thinking that I did. Wahahaha.

I <3 NKOTBSB!!! Ah, I wanna go again!

</swoon>

Whats the word?

Melancholy. Sullen. Those are probably the best to describe it right now.  I must have woken up on the theoretical wrong side of the bed.  It didn't help that the dog was awake from 1am and moving around all night.  And its definitely not helping that it's storming at the moment.  Gloomy.

But I'm attempting to change that mood since tonight is NKOTBSB.

YAY!!

Sleepy Zombie

It's kind of like angry zombie but minus the angry. No known cure for sleepy zombie at this time. Caffeine unfortunately will not take part in the studies.

There have been only a few times I can ever recall being so exhausted, even after a good nights sleep, that I've fallen asleep while driving.  What I mean is today I fell asleep at a stoplight, but yes I have actually fallen asleep while driving, however that was only once....ever.   So, very, very dangerous.    The worse part is, I feel fine getting up out of bed and getting ready for the day.  But once I get in the car my car narcolepsy kicks in.  Car narcolepsy?! you say?  It exists.  At least for me.  When I get in the car for long periods of time there's practically zero chance of me staying awake.  Especially if I'm just a passenger, and more so if I'm even remotely lacking any amount of sleep.  


Anyway...its time to get into the work zone. Otherwise at this state I'll never get anything done.

riding the hormone wave

I'm kind of glad hardly any of my people friends don't read my blog, although now that I've officially said that out loud I may have inadvertently jinxed myself and every single one of them will manage to find their way here for this post.  I won't say it.  But I'm pretty sure those few of you who do read this will figure it out.

Riding the hormone wave.  In an annoying yet really good way.   If it's like this now, just imagine by the time winter rolls around...that should be fun.  I'm going to apologize right now to my husband before it all happens and I won't be in the right mind to apologize for it then.  I'm sorry love.

I'm already exhausted and grumpy.  I hope this goes away soon. I'd like to enjoy my last summer of freedom.

Started off today in a good mood...that was short lived.  You hear about the annoying things people do to you when they find out, but you think "my friends/family aren't like that".  Then, the next thing you know you're sitting at your desk getting incredibly frustrated because your friends and family keep soliciting currently unwanted 'advice'.  Right now, I don't want you to nitpick! Right now I want you to be happy and make fun tentative plans. Right now, I want to wear my pretty heels and continue on just like I normally would.  Minus the things I already know I shouldn't do...like drink.  I'm ok with that, you should be too. Don't stress me out...I don't like being stressed out.  And there will be plenty of stressing out to come so right now...let me be zen. Please?!

I'm missing my coffee right now.  I need an energy boost.

Angry Zombie needs some serenity.

Monday:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

If I were interested in tattooing an entire paragraph of words on my body it would be this excerpt of the serenity prayer.  Nothing says it better than that.  

Must not have slept well last night because even though I went to bed at the normal time and woke up at the normal time I still found myself falling asleep on the drive into work.  And I look like a zombie.  My aunt stole my soothing eye gel that I use when my eyes are tired and I haven't replaced it yet.  

I wasn't even an angry zombie until about 9am.   

Tuesday:

I didn't even realize I never finished this blog post yesterday.  Well, as far as the angry zombie version of me goes, talking to some friends about random nonsense things brightened my mood for the rest of the day.  Today however, the angry zombie is threatening to return.  If talking nonsense subdues the angry zombie I believe I need to start thinking nonsense.  Then maybe the gibberish of my thoughts could distract me from the depressing quarter-life crisis type of thoughts that have been consuming my recent days.

IN other news...I had the opportunity to feed my friends baby on Saturday and now I'm in trouble.  Baby fever ahoy.  The idea still scares the shit out of me, but I'm pretty sure if it didn't, there'd be something seriously wrong with me.  I was at the mall and walked by an adorable little asian boy who so cutely stared up at me and smiled.  Save me, I'm surrounded!  

I'm drained mentally.  I'm in desperate need of a hot beach vacation where I can just sleep and lay out on the hot sand and work on my tan.  Please please please...

and the pants party continues.

"I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party."  I have no idea what this has to do with what I'm going to write but it popped in my head and I wanted to say it.

Random nonsense jumbles occupy my thoughts.  Daydreams and summertime yearnings. For a brief few seconds the ceaseless randomness lull in a softer tune than have been the last week, and I took that moment to realize I have all party weekends ahead of me for the month of May.  Busy Busy Busy am I. Thinking about it makes me tired...or that could be the PMS. I have been semi-obnoxiously betchy lately. 

First...need a shoe shopping fix. And what better way to tell my husband than to walk into the house and find a tornado left red fabric and black plastic littering the floor...that tornados name...Kona.  The victim:

My favorite pair of red suede pumps.  I seriously thought I was going to cry.  At first all I saw were the pieces and it didn't click.  It was like my brain was trying to save me the disgust and heartbreak by not telling me what it was, but I forced it to show me the truth.  And I regretted making my brain show me that instant.  Oh well, time to go hunting for another pair of red pumps. Muwahahahaha.

Great scott! and the next randomness to pop in my head is to be reminded that my loving husband warned me of a 'surprise' he was going to give me last week.  He didn't let me know when to expect said surprise because then it wouldn't be a surprise.  However, yesterday afternoon he said "your surprise should be at home today!" So when I got home I expected a package...there wasn't anything waiting for me but he assured me it was suppose to come.  As I was walking out the door to go to dinner (weds night is $2 burger night at the bar...sweet), I received this:

Awww, flowers! and cookies...  Yesterday he took his last final ever for his masters degree.  The last 2 and a half years of our lives I have helped support him as he worked full time and went to school.  Times he would get extremely busy, I would get so stressed to the point where I would emotionally crumble.  I don't deal with stress very well.  But essentially, the gift was to thank me for supporting him this whole time.  I'm all smiles thinking now I have my hubby back and he'll be far less stressed out now that he's done with school.  Thank goodness. 

Yes we can!

In celebration of the admittance of Osama Bin Laden into the depths of hell, I bring back the Obamanators old motto...YES WE CAN!  However, I will not say anything about the death of Osama Bin Laden, except...why are there so many fb posts quoting Team America: World Police?! My friend reminded me of this movie last night and now all I can hear in my head is "I'm so Ronrey"...Thanks a lot jerk!  That movie is great on so many levels, and completely inappropriate and insensitive.  But that's what a parody movie is all about is it not?

For those who haven't seen this disaster of a movie, this is the song stuck in my head:

And that is all the discussion I think the Bin Laden death deserves.  Dude finally got what was coming, lets move on cuz we got bigger problems here at home. Like...the ever increasing gas price situation. UGH someone get my car out of the auto shop so I can drive my 30mpg car vs driving the hubbies jeep that gets 15mpg please!

Moving on. I also use "Yes we can!" because...(drumroll please)...ONE POUND DOWN! Only 9 more to go. And time to celebrate with pizza.  Bahahaha. I'm well aware it's been like 3 weeks since said weight loss challenge has been accepted.  Still, this is with me not really changing my diet much and pseudo working out.  So it's an accomplishment for me, regardless.  Hooray!

i need a vacation

sunday night i had a dream that i was at work and got swamped with a zillion things that needed to get done by friday.  turns out that was an omen...and a bad one.  someone save me and take me here:

please and thank you.

Claimed like a vampire. **TMI warning**

If you don't wanna know, stop reading now...

I warned you...

Don't blame me if you can't get back the next 2 minutes of your life.

Still here? Ok, well I gave you a chance.

Last night my husband gave me a hickey. Yup, hadn't had one of those in at least 3 years and now I'm forced into a turtleneck, putting concealer and foundation on a spot that normally doesn't get that kind of treatment.  At least, since it's rather cool out, it's not totally obvious what I'm doing, right?

Did I notice at the time of hickey production? Of course not.  We were deep in the throes of passion. There was only one thing he did that my brain went..."wait, is that...??"  before getting lost in the pleasure of it.  No need to mention it here, however.

Anyways, back to the hickey.  Like I said, I hadn't seen one of these on my neck in years so it took me a second to digest what I was seeing in the mirror as I brushed my teeth this morning.  That, coupled with 6 am drowsiness, that second was a very very slow second.

Here's how it went:
...toothbrush at 45 scrub soft..back of mouth...front teeth... hm what is that (looking at my neck in the mirror...and yes I do narrate how to brush my teeth in the morning).  its all red..wait...no it can't be. *eyes widening*  i told him no hickeys.  no. *mental gasp* it is!!
..spits..

Me: Babe!!!
Hubby (still sleeping in bed): whhhaat?
Me:  You gave me a hickey!!!
Hubby:  laughs oops sorry. wear a turtle neck (rolls back over and starts snoring)
Me: Ugh...brush tongue..can't believe he gave me a hickey...spit. rinse. buh..this better be gone before tomorrow or i'll never hear the end of it...

I know, what a lame conversation. But that's kinda all that needed to be said at the time. 

Literally, hadn't gotten one of these since we were in school.  The first time he did it I didn't even know. My friend in the dorm was like "Oh my God! It's the size of Texas!!"  Petrified, I ran to my room to look in the mirror. I still remember it too. And it was like the size of Texas but it looked more like Alaska.

So like a schoolgirl, I have been claimed Dracula-style once again. Thanks hubs. I love you too.

**Take me to Pleasuretown!**

boredom strikes

See more funny videos and TBT at Todays Big Thing.

I am literally...laughing my ass off. 

Doom on you..doom on you..

You ever wake up with the feeling that something is going to go terribly, terribly wrong that day?  No? Just me then?  OK, well that's how I feel today.  Maybe I had an ominous dream last night and it's left its imprint on my psyche.  I wish I could remember what I dreamt, then maybe I'd be able to make sense of it.  It sounds so cliche however, it is literally like a bad taste that won't go away.  It's right there, ready to implode.  I really feel like there's some impending doom in the near future.  NOT. a good feeling.

Waiting, wishing this day would pass quickly...

...I'm a beast, I'm an animal...

Mission: To lose poundage. (and to beat a friend in a weight losing contest...you're going down Boelter)
Plan of action:  Work out at lunch every other day or so and/or work out at home.  Plus, eating less too. 
Starting weight: 166 lbs. I hadn't weighed myself since January and it was a nice surprise last week to find that I'd already lost almost 10 lbs since the holiday binge.  Not by working out, but rather by eating better.  Works for me. 
Goal weight: 155 lbs or less.

Advantage: I get to lose 5 lbs less than my friend.
Disadvantage: He's a dude. It's so easy for guys to lose weight and so not easy for me.  Hubby lost 20 lbs last year easy.  I gained 5. But that's because of disadvantage #2.  I live to eat.  (We're going for cheesecake at the mall later...)

I picked up weights yesterday...I'm not going to say the size because it's rather embarrassing.  Ok, fine, they were 3 lb weights.  Way to make me feel weak.  These flabby arms can't even pop the ice cube tray.  Not surprisingly, my arms are kind of sore.  But I'll never admit it out loud because then I'd have to admit out loud how I used the lightest free weights in the gym.  Wow. I'm so weak.

The funny thing is, I don't really care about losing weight.  In the long run though, it'll be to my advantage to get in some kind of shape.  Especially considering just yesterday I signed up for a charity event, Bike MS: Tour de Farms. It's a 2 day bike ride through farmlands in IL at the end of June to raise money for MS.  Day one I chose to do the shortest distance, 35 miles.  Considering the longest I'd ever ridden a bike previously in my entire life is probably about 5-6 miles, I need to start training like last year.  Day 2 will be worse since Steph decided we should go for 50 miles.  I am so dead, but we'll give it a shot.  Plus it'll get me to actually have to work out/train.  Step One: Get a Bike.  The husband, who is a biker (roadcross bike not motorcycle), already has an idea of what bike I should get. 

I have 2 months to get in shape.  Perhaps it is time to bust out Insanity, since it seems an insane and daunting task to whip me into the kind of shape I need to be in for a 50 mile bike ride.  Maybe I am insane...already know I'm an idiot for signing up for this.

PS. If you're reading this, I'd much appreciate any donations for the Bike MS event.  **CLICK HERE** for my fundraising page. Help support me and motivate me to train for this event!  Thanks and much love!

I can cry if I want to dammit.

Another day, another year, another number.  I only feel old when thinking about the younger family members, like my cousins who are seniors in high school...I think, wait, they're going to college in the fall?! Yikes.  I only feel old thinking how I'm now only 3 years away from 30.  Not that 30 is old.  Nope.  Because once I start thinking 30 is old, well...its all downhill from there.  It just, feels old when you think about it.  But it's all relative.  A 30 year old house is not old, a 30 year old car however...

Can I just pretend that it's my 25th birthday again? I seem to have stopped keeping track since then. I have to stop and think about it when someone asks me how old I am now.  Then comes the snarky "What, you forgot how old you are? Man you're getting old..."  To which I say, STFU... The point is I feel no older than 25, and frankly I hope that feeling lasts for many more years.  With any luck my aging process will be similar to this....

Bahahaha. 

I'm not old...I'm not old...

my writing muse turned into a rapper...

my creativity tends to ebb and flow, like the brain just decides to go into hyperdrive and spit out poems and drawings.  my muse is a wistful creature that when bored, likes to poke my brain to see what comes out...

don't lie to me

don't lie to me, don't lie to me

such a dirty lie, why can't you see

you're supposed to be, my best friend

yet here we are, standing end to end

we've had our ups ,and now were down

you made me smile, now you make me frown

what's wrong with you, you're never there

it's almost like, you just don't care

don't lie to me, don't lie to me

such a dirty lie, why can't you see

my heart breaks, just to see your face

to see you high, and out of place

we used to be, such an awesome pair

what's yours was mine, everything we share

best buds for life, swore through and trough

but now i'm me, and now you are you

don't lie to me, don't lie to me

such a dirty lie, why can't you see

i'm falling apart, i need you now

i want you back, doesn't matter how

but you're blind you see, so fucking selfish

doing what you will, to get your every wish

doesn't matter that, i've fallen apart

you don't' know how, to have a heart to heart

don't lie to me don't lie to me

such a dirty lie, why can't you see