i'm going nuts. i can't stand the devastatingly empty feel to this house. luckily the last few days i have managed to find myself occupied, however tonight i'm left alone to my own overly pessimistic flood of thoughts and no motivation to do a thing. not even to read. my head is throbbing in pain from the pure overuse of my brain over the period of the last few days. unfortunately as i force my thoughts to slow, an aching pain in my chest grows that never have i experienced before. absolute loneliness. surrounding myself with distractions and people throughout the day only temporarily abates this ever increasing heaviness clawing at the insides of my body. its impossible to fight the feeling knowing it could have all just been prevented. though i still try to regardless and that battle has left me numb. now all there is to feel is the emptiness. no tears flow to release the pain as it builds and ruminates within me. the fear generated by not knowing what lays ahead cripples my ability to care past the basics of eating, sleeping, and bathing. i find i am missing the simple things and small daily interactions and conversations that i never realized i took for granted. its true, you know, what they say about not knowing what you'll miss til it's gone....
i need to be occupied. maybe i should bake...blueberry muffins sound yummy...now if i only had some blueberries...
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