My own brilliance astounds me sometimes...

...or maybe I'm just hyped up on caffeine and sugar and running on a serious sleep deficit.

Today I've come up with the most amazing idea ever.  Tomorrow...I may read this and think..Tessa, you're an idiot.  But at the moment it's ingenious...

Introducing.... "The BrunchBox", Meals on Wheels Food Truck.  Serving eclectic fusion brunch options, complete with mini bento boxes! Fresh squeezed orange juice, and moscato mimosas to complete the meal!

I'll have an entire fleet of BrunchBox wheels...and one special truck... "The BrunchBox Bakes", Mama's oven hits the road!  Mini cakes and baked takes.

G'D@mn I'm good....

Fresh starts

So I went MIA.  Needed to work on a few things, but I'm back.

I'm new and improved! MsTsa2.0.... sort of.  The level of contentment has risen and I've been in a better place for about a few weeks now.  It was hard for a while, not feeling like I had any control of my life.  But since then I've picked up a new side job, a new hobby, and stood firm on my principles and the things I want.  Which hasn't always been the case for me when it came to other people.  I'm a people pleaser, and as my friends would tell me, one of the most helpful people they know.  I realized I oft put my own desires aside to make other people happy.  And as the turn of the year had come, and my status went from woman to mother, my entire life view began to solidify and I started to assert my beliefs.  Probably because of that innate desire to do what's best for my child.  Either way, it may have thrown others for a loop.  I knew it was different from what I was used to and I was scared of it.  But I've come to a balance and acceptance of what  things are at the moment. Sure, I have bad days. But I've learned to say, Ok...it's a bad day. Get thru it and tomorrow will be better.  Then the next day is truly better.

Here's to a new beginning. Cheers.

what am i to you?

the taste of bitterness

i never understood how people could be bitter and vengeful.  but now i know it's a product of resentment and anger.  the taste is foul in my mouth and i would sooner be rid of it if i could but i can't seem to wash it clean.  forgiveness may be the only thing that truly washes bitterness away, but it's the hardest thing to do.  but then again, what is forgiveness?

life isn't fair. but i knew that. so why am i pouting?

i'm...happy?

despite the fact that it is indeed the most disliked day of the week, i'm feeling amazing.  i have back and neck pain but that's not new...and right now i don't even hardly notice it since i'm in that much of a good mood. for too long now i've lamented and mourned over the end of friendships and other relationships.  i forgot to be grateful and cherish the friendships and family that have blossomed and strengthened me through these rough times.  there's still more rough times to come i'm sure as things get worked out but i know i'll get through it.  i know i'm no angel, and no one is perfect obviously.  we are who we are, and we make mistakes and learn every day.  people come in and out of our lives whether we want them to or not.  but thats the beauty of it.  you're never in the same spot more than once in your life.  you'll never have the same people in your life the same way they are at this moment. and its so completely true how you will discover who really make your life better when you go through hardships.  these are the people who will listen and understand...shake their head and sigh when you've done something wrong...instead of judge you, berate you, blame you, because the fact is, they love you and they just want you to be happy.  even if they don't understand...even if they'd warned you ahead of time...theres no need for 'i told you so's and 'how could you be so dumb'... chances are you're already doing a fine job of that yourself.

i find myself in a precarious position... how long will this mild sense of euphoria, this zen state, last?  will i fall back into a state of mourning? i'm sure i will...but the question is, will i ever be able to stop blaming myself?

for now though, i've not been this happy in a while so i'm going to live in the moment.

i think that life's too short for this, i want back my ignorance and bliss-p!nk

reverting

moving back in with my parents has kind of thrown a loop into things with my life.  even though i pretty much exist independently from the rest of the family minus dinner time when my sister chooses to eat with me rather than wait for my parents to get home from work, i find myself reverting to old habits that i used to have when i was in high school.  of course, i'm far from reverting to my old self around my parents.  in fact i'm much more in control of my own life than i ever have been before.  not to say i'm better.  shit still stinks like shit and i'm still suffering.  but perhaps in a better environment.  

when i was younger, say grade school age, i used to have this habit of putting my leg up on the chair with my knee up between my body and the table during meal times.  it kind of was a point of contention with my dad since it's not quite 'lady-like' nor proper to sit like that at the table, but it was what i did.  my mom thinks i got it from my great grandpa who used to do that all the time...and eat ketchup with everything.  who knows where i got it from, i just know that it was comfortable for me. eventually, with enough conscious practice, i grew out of it. or so i thought.  now that i'm much more self aware i've noticed that when i'm comfortable i still prefer to have at least one leg up on the chair when i'm sitting.  while i dont necessarily have to keep my knee up, i often find myself sitting cross legged in the chair.  i've started to do this more and more the longer i've been at my parents.  could just be a coping mechanism. not sure yet. but now i see why my dad kept telling me it wasn't proper..i look quite silly doing it.

there are things however that i would like to go back to.  like for instance, i used to be able to save.  the way things are right now, retail therapy has been my downfall.  and it really doesn't help that i've memorized all my credit card information when i'm sitting at a computer all day long. most recent splurge-a michael kors watch. my version of retail therapy a'int cheap that's for sure. but i used to be able to save money.  up until a few years ago i always had a 'secret' cash stash.  whenever i received cash either gifts, allowance, or taking money out of the bank, i'd throw a $20 or whatever was the biggest bill into a wallet that i hid in the closet.  that was my just in case money.  i'd learned that from my mom and my grandma who always seemed to have a secret stash of cash ("shhh, don't tell papa/dad").  and if there was an instance i really needed cash and didnt have time to go to the bank, i'd take what i needed from my stash.  at one point i had like $500 in there. most of which i took to the bank.  i could use this habit again, but maybe i'll do the $5 jar, or even the $1/day thing... and see where it gets me.  i think i'll start today. 

Did that just happen?

First...This song popped up on my spotify account under the recommended albums.  Interesting.  It scares me when the internet picks things out of my brain.  

Second. I think I've either taken deja vu to a whole different level or I've managed to find a wormhole into another dimension through my dreams.  Kind of like that brief tv series Awake, where you're not really sure which is real. I really have to think and be aware of what's going on around me or I start hallucinating.  I'm sure it directly correlates with the amount of sleep I get at night.  But with all the stress I'm under, the near constant back pain, it's hard to rest.  Even on days when I'm able to get extra rest, I'm still not getting the kind of relaxation that I need.  Sometimes I'm left wondering...did that just happen? This weekend being one of them.  Which just took the confusion level up another notch.  I have no idea what's going on anymore.

lonely.

how is it possible to feel lonely when there's so many people around who love you? how does loneliness feel so empty?  i wish i didn't feel this way, empty and alone.  can't concentrate on anything, don't want to do anything.  wishing you could just stop time.  it's an empty wish. i know better. i'm running out of motivation. 

...here is the deepest secret nobody knows...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


e e cummings 

in college i took a literary poetry class where all we did was read poems and interpret the underlying messages and meanings.  i think it was my favorite class.  i took it originally as a gpa booster knowing i could easily get an A in it (much like purposefully taking the spanish placement test in such a way that i'd only end up in spanish 2).  but really it taught me to appreciate and understand the power of words and the gravity of the emotions and meanings behind and underlying those words.  most people don't realize that even by the way they string words together, the way they phrase their thoughts into words, how they say something is often laced with the emotions they are feeling which will in turn affect the emotions of the person they're speaking to.  certainly we can all pick up when someone is excited, sad, angry, etc just by the smallest inflections in the voice. but during this era of non verbal communication through email, text, online chats those feelings can become lost.  theres so much miscommunication because the way one person intends something may not be the manner the other receives it.  you really have to be careful about the way you word things.  thats how people get hurt.  sigh.

junior doctor...

Frustrations

I don't know if it's possible to be any more frustrated, any more defeated than I am right now.  I can't say I have anything to look forward to other than watching my son grow up.  I wonder if that's enough.  I hope it's enough. 

I need to let things go.  Need to let things be.  I cannot control everything around me. I cannot control other people. I can only control me.  Chasing dreams, when reality is chasing me.  It's a game of hide and seek.  And once in a while, it finds me.  Ever wonder why it is when you want time to speed up, it seems to go slower and when you want things to freeze for a moment, it seems to speed up?  It's crazy how much time has passed in the last year.  Sometimes, I find myself wondering...where did it all go?

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave.  Why is it then, I'm battling against those saying I'm taking the easy way out?  Why is it then, that I feel like I've lost? I wish there was a guide book for this.  I wish I could feel that it'll be ok in the end.  I'm better now but I'm worse.  And I don't know how that could be.  All I know is no matter how much sleep I get, I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained.  No rest for the weary, right?  Everything hurts. Everything.

Now, another thought troubles me. I need to leave again.  Not in the same way as before. There's nothing I can do anymore. Other than to leave.  It almost seems harder this time, this way.  But, what else can I do...when I don't feel wanted. 

don't wake me up

People are idiots.

Sometimes I wonder how people are still thriving like the parasitic insects we are to the Earth considering how many of the population are just plain dumb.  I'm not excluding myself from the group, knowing I've had my fair share of "God, that was stupid" moments. But you gotta wonder where all the common sense went in the world. 

I read this article on ClearCare contact lens solution this morning.  Just so you know, this is the solution I use for my contacts and I must say it is one of my favorites that I've used. I've had contacts for 15 years now and have used a variety of solutions.  WHEN USED CORRECTLY, it really clears off your contacts, first by killing off bacteria to prevent infection (not to mention the just the idea that bacteria builds up on your contacts creeps me out), but also by removing the buildup of proteins that over time makes the lenses thick and cloudy. I have multiple cases that are specific for this solution with the piece of platinum coated metal that will neutralize the hydrogen peroxide.  So for a lazy bum like me who tends to sleep in their contacts, I could wash and switch out my contacts in the morning and have fresh ones in my eyes. 

EYE BURN WARNING!

Reading this really hit a nerve apparently because I felt the need to blog about it. But seriously, since I use it, I KNOW with 100% proof that the bottle comes with a big red warning label on the top.  I don't know exactly what it says but I'm quite sure its somewhere along the lines of "STOP! DO NOT USE IN FLAT CONTACT CASES".  I mean granted the red label is a cardboard piece that can easily be removed from the bottle, and I suppose people could easily take that off and toss it.  But honestly people, when you see a big flashy red thing with words on it, wouldn't you think to at least read it?!  People these days....

turn the page

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? you'd start reading and then there'd be a page where you got to pick what happened next... and then you'd turn to that page and it would continue on with the story.  but you kept your finger on the last page in case you didn't like where the story was going?  it didn't count that way...if you kept your finger there just in case. 

too bad real life doesn't work like that.  i can't stick my finger here in this part of my story to peek at the outcome of my next decision and come back if it's not what i wanted.  i have to accept that the option i choose will be the adventure i created for myself. 

there are no regrets here at this point in the story.  the story is what it is and there's no changing that.  i know i'll look back one day and wonder...what if? i've done that a lot recently but unlike in the past, now i don't dwell on the what if's of my past. it's one thing to think about it...reminisce on the could have moments but its another to let it consume you. 

another chapter in my story has ended and its time to turn the page to begin the next chapter.   this is my story. and truthfully...i wouldn't have it any other way.

i hate this part

i hate this part...when i have to break down the glass wall.

i hate this part right here

here we go

oh woe, woe is me
need to break free
find my place
find my face
with you or without you
girl gotta do what she gotta do
been dwellin on the what ifs and why
been holdin me back when its time to fly
i'm a phoenix burned to ashes
will i rise again in brilliant flashes
will it be a dull glow
taking time to grow
essence buried under the pile
been hidin there for a while
a light breeze comes through
and away the ashes flew
cold and naked in the dark
find the strength find the spark
i'm still here but i am gone
movie reel spins on and on
cut the image burn the film
enter into another realm


With a heavy heart, the decision I must make now is when. How long can one prolong the inevitable? And will I be able to do this...and not look back and regret it?  I try not to live with regrets, and so far I really don't have any.  But I've never faced a crossroads that truly changes the next destination. 

work in progress

never again.

on repeat.

i'm a work in progress
somewhere in the middle
go forth and then digress
the answers in the riddle
just gotta review it
and then look anew at it
strength is very becoming
hope and faith renewing
i'm drifting away
though i wish you'd stay
but i made an oath
i promised my heart
the only way to growth
is for us to be apart
isn't this what you wanted
you said it'd be better
are you now haunted
by this storm you cannot weather
i'm all alone but i'm ok
i'm ready to fight another day
the times are tough
the times are rough
but i gotta move on
now that you're gone
you told me no
and then you made it so
it's a work in progress
sorting this hot mess
i'm all alone but i'm ok
i'm ready to fight another day

but i still miss it. </3

revelations

It's amazing, the way we are able to internalize things, the way we can portray something completely different outwardly.  It's amazing how we perceive things based on what we see, and how we want to see things.  A recent conversation with one of my best friends started off with a reenactment of the kind of mess I make of things which ends up with me crying on his shoulder.  He swears he might even still have the shirt with my mascara stain from 10 years ago.  Well, what started off with old problems, new news, quickly turned into me being so completely and utterly shocked at revelations that came out into the open.  It was really so shocking that I spent the next morning wondering if it was all a dream. 

I'm not sure what to make of these new thoughts spinning in my head. In a way I'm more confused, yet I'm also more resolved to make the decision that I've been avoiding for months. Definitely need more time to work things out....

Castle Walls

This song is a reminder that we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. What you see is what I want you to see. Few get to see the raw, real disaster behind my smile. 

man in the happy mask-creepy....but all too true

The golden rule

I fully understand the desire for revenge when someone hurts you. Physically or emotionally. But there's a difference between wanting vengeance and actually enacting vengeance whether it be premeditated or impulsive in blind rage. The former is spiteful and, contrary to what people think, isn't the same thing as justice. It only continues the cycle of anger. It only contributes to the problem and feeds the fire so to speak. People live with this eye for an eye mentality and then fail to understand that it's this idea that we have to "get them back" for hurting us as if that would bring justice to the situation. And we think it's justified because, well...they hurt me first, right? Well, when does it end? I think this is why there will never be peace in the world. Not in my lifetime that's for sure.

The one thing that stuck with me from a split moment in my childhood looking at a poster that read, The Golden Rule, it's this; regardless of race, religion, government or, societal standing, there is one commonality within morals spans the globe. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Do unto others as you would do to yourself. Love thy neighbor. I'm not saying its easy. After all 'tis human to err. Humans are sinners and it's only by the grace of God that we're forgiven. But the best you can do is to try.

I'm not trying to preach, lord knows I'm not one to speak. I cannot cast any stones. I've hurt many many people in my life and in some cases I may deserve the anger felt toward me. But no one deserves vengeance. I'm fully stripped of my armor and karma's come to bite me in the tit. That's justice enough for me. I can only rise from this point. And hope will not fail me this time around.

broken

every time i pick up the pieces it falls apart again. the glue that i used wasn't strong enough once it all filled up with unsaid words. it cracked and leaked for months but now it's completely shattered.

its my fault. i know it is. but i'm just a humble human. lost and afraid. i'm broken. i wasn't a perfect specimen to begin with but now i'm broken and scarred.  i wear the hurt like a banner around my shoulders and it drags me down.  the support of my so called best friends has failed me. i deserve the disappointment, but not the hate. i dont need to be belittled when i'm already down. and i'm down far enough that i've lashed out. and i'm sorry for lashing out...  no, that's not right. i'm not sorry i lashed out.  i was defending myself from becoming smaller.  that's all right.  i'm sorry i hurt you. there. that's right.  i'm sorry i hurt you. that wasn't fair of me.  human selfishness knows no bounds. my selfishness and "one sided"ness may sicken you... you may think me immature for my reaction... but there's always more to the story. theres more inside you don't understand. and i understand that you don't see it.  and i can deal with that for now. 

the road ahead looks bumpy, but bring it on.

Obsessed

Obsessed. I wonder if I'm letting my feelings control me. Jealousy. I wonder if I can ever really change. Guilt. I wonder if I'll ever truly forgive. Anger. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop torturing myself. That's what obsession is. Torture. How else do you describe the relentless need to have something you can't seem to get enough of. Even if it's no good for you. Especially if you can't actually have it. I'm only here now because I'm fighting my demented obsession to ask for things that are far beyond my reach. Hanging onto dreams that will never come true. Wishing for something that is impossible. And still wanting all of it despite being smart enough to know it won't ever be the way I imagine it in my dreams. I should put my damn phone out of commission. At least til I get over everything and can move on. But I know my weakness. My slightly masochistic tendency to bask in the hurt. I miss the happy me.

god given body

"it looks good" she said after draining a vial full of blood from the crook of my arm...  and i reluctantly paste an indulgent smile on my face because i know just by the way she held that needle in my arm that she tore the shit out of my vein. knowing it's not really necessary to say anything after the fact and the faint blue and purples i see today are proof that most lab techs don't really know how to draw blood.  at least i know where this blue blemish comes from.  i have older bruises now faded to dark brown and yellow that just appeared one day.  curse the weak walls of my blood vessels and the delicate pale olive skin that the slightest bump makes me look abused a day later.  curse my natural clumsiness and tendencies to walk into walls and door frames.  curses followed by resignation because this is the body i was given to work with and this is the body that protects the fragile soul within.

slacking

completely devoid of energy and motivation today and captivated by completely random crap.

 

 

i love this and i don't know why. i hate all things horror

What I'd do with $500 Million

Hi, my name is MsTsa... and I'm a shopaholic...

Which wouldn't be an issue if I won the $500Mil pot playing the lottery.  Here's my shopping list:

1. Buy an island, preferably in the South Pacific - And then plan on renting it out. When the money runs out I'll need an income since clearly, I will not be working anymore.
2. Buy a boat...to get to my island
3. Buy a sea plane...to get to my boat
4. Buy an Aston Martin...to get to my sea plane.
5. Build vacation home in Tuscany
6. Build my baby boy his own Disney World.

Boom. I win.

I'm sure I'll come up with more later, but I haven't won yet so let's not get our hopes up too high. Hahahaha.

Rollercoaster

Up and Down and Around again
Somewhere in the middle every Now and Then
Shattered, Assembled, Glued
Hope and Faith Renewed
Like a song on Repeat
Broken Pieces at my Feet
Pick it up One, Two, Three
Heart and Mind disagree
Waiting for the end of this Ride
Waiting to get to the other Side
Looking Forward to Looking Back
Only seeing the remaining Crack
Wishing, Wishing on a Star
Promises made from afar
Up and Down and Around again
Somewhere in the Middle every Now and Then
Knick Knack, Patty Whack
Give this Bitch a Bone

now you're just somebody that i used to know

you can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness, like resignation to the end, always the end

amazing cover by walk off the earth. oh the talent.

burn

</3

Que Sera Sera

I had a dream of you and me
walking on the beach hand in hand
I was yours and you were mine
As far as I could see
our footprints trailed behind
unmarred by the swirling sands of time
But when I woke
and the dream broke
At first I was a mess
left with an emptiness
Then it felt bittersweet
as my tears kissed the sheet
heartbroken, all alone
feathered edges of such dreams gone
Yet my strength hasn't left
as it has before
I'm still here, I'm still me
So I'll let it go, and let things be

New motto...que sera sera.  What will be, will be.

Gaining Perspective

i once was blind but now i see...

I've made a ginormous leap towards the quest for happiness. Call it what you will but the addition of zoloft has thinned out the dark tentacles of depression clinging to my soul.  But with this new-found content state I've been able to think more clearly about the mess of thoughts in my mind.  The most progress would be the barrier I had with trying to please everyone, being afraid to disappoint people.  I'm not sure what it is, perhaps the internal change in me that came with motherhood, but I find that I'm not afraid of that anymore.  Or at least, not AS afraid of it.  If they don't like it, they can deal with it on their own terms. 

baby love

love love love

had baby pics taken by a friend (2.11.12)

 

these 2 were edited

Numb

devoid of feelings
of promises and meanings
not right in the head
walking around like the dead
hanging onto reality
drifting towards insanity
the silence is daunting
the ghosts are haunting
heavy burdens all the lies
unacknowledged all the tries
the secrets inside char the heart
electric shocks for it to start
tears lock this man of tin
echos of the emptiness within

what do you do when you feel nothing? a hollow emptiness?  nothing seems to fill the void.

Friday

my lack of productivity today is concerning.  but who the fuck cares?  its friday. 

keep me in your heart.

hearts day

"Did you know that the iconic valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart but rather on the shape of a buttocks of a female bending over?"

So I spent about an hour creating a playlist of a bunch of lovey type songs in honor of this very hallmark holiday. I filled a whole day's worth of music into it. There are a lot of boy bands and oldies and r&b.  Oh, and Whitney.  RIP Whitney.

Rockin love songs that make my heart hurt in a very masochistic way. Sigh.

Truth is...

What is truth? What is reality? If you perceive something to be such can it be considered truth? Truth as it is to you? Or does it only mean your lying to yourself?

The brain is a complex organ, our world is as we perceive it to be. But if your world is distorted, how do you know what is real, what is the truth?

Truth is...you don't.

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking, wondering what in heavens sake my truths are. I've come to the conclusion that I have no control over the reality that I find myself in. The reality where I am continually hurtling through this downward spiral, lost and completely alone. I feel like I've lost all control, but I know that's not true. Logically I know I still have complete say in the next turn of events but for some reason I am frozen in place. Wandering endlessly in the arid desert of my thoughts. Thirsting for a way out.

I'm lost in a circle of what if's. I'm clinging to memories and dreams, desperate for a different reality. I realize I have to let go and yet...I can't. I don't want to make myself. I need to move on and yet...I won't. My heart won't let me. The pain I feel is that which I've only caused myself. What I want to be there, isn't. No matter how much I dream of it.

I've managed to convince myself I need to stop torturing myself. That I need to just cut off all ties and leave it all behind me. But for some reason I'm still trying to make excuses because I know how much it hurts. Even if I'm the only one hurting. But I'm hurting myself more by going back and forth...

And that's the truth.

exactly.

What a year...

2011...the best yet worst and shortest yet longest year of my short existence. 2012 should be better right? It'll certainly be different.  My life is forever changed with this angelic addition:

Baby Clayton Rey...my little moo calf. The last 2 weeks I've been doing nothing but milking myself for him.  Moo... and every time I do I can't help but think..."I've got nipples Greg, can you milk me?"

While I have been blessed with an adorable healthy baby boy (and healthy he is...2 weeks early and a full 7 lbs 5 oz at birth.  Atta boy Clayton), I've been cursed with a perfect storm of hormones, stress, and feeling overwhelmed, leading me down this dark agonizing path deeper into myself.  Hiding myself from everyone, even those I hold close to my heart.  Pretending everything is ok, telling myself everything will be fine, even when I don't feel that way.  What's that saying again? Fake it 'til you make it.  I hate that saying but that's what I'm trying to do for now.  2012 isn't looking too bright...