Frustrations

I don't know if it's possible to be any more frustrated, any more defeated than I am right now.  I can't say I have anything to look forward to other than watching my son grow up.  I wonder if that's enough.  I hope it's enough. 

I need to let things go.  Need to let things be.  I cannot control everything around me. I cannot control other people. I can only control me.  Chasing dreams, when reality is chasing me.  It's a game of hide and seek.  And once in a while, it finds me.  Ever wonder why it is when you want time to speed up, it seems to go slower and when you want things to freeze for a moment, it seems to speed up?  It's crazy how much time has passed in the last year.  Sometimes, I find myself wondering...where did it all go?

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave.  Why is it then, I'm battling against those saying I'm taking the easy way out?  Why is it then, that I feel like I've lost? I wish there was a guide book for this.  I wish I could feel that it'll be ok in the end.  I'm better now but I'm worse.  And I don't know how that could be.  All I know is no matter how much sleep I get, I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained.  No rest for the weary, right?  Everything hurts. Everything.

Now, another thought troubles me. I need to leave again.  Not in the same way as before. There's nothing I can do anymore. Other than to leave.  It almost seems harder this time, this way.  But, what else can I do...when I don't feel wanted.