reverting

moving back in with my parents has kind of thrown a loop into things with my life.  even though i pretty much exist independently from the rest of the family minus dinner time when my sister chooses to eat with me rather than wait for my parents to get home from work, i find myself reverting to old habits that i used to have when i was in high school.  of course, i'm far from reverting to my old self around my parents.  in fact i'm much more in control of my own life than i ever have been before.  not to say i'm better.  shit still stinks like shit and i'm still suffering.  but perhaps in a better environment.  

when i was younger, say grade school age, i used to have this habit of putting my leg up on the chair with my knee up between my body and the table during meal times.  it kind of was a point of contention with my dad since it's not quite 'lady-like' nor proper to sit like that at the table, but it was what i did.  my mom thinks i got it from my great grandpa who used to do that all the time...and eat ketchup with everything.  who knows where i got it from, i just know that it was comfortable for me. eventually, with enough conscious practice, i grew out of it. or so i thought.  now that i'm much more self aware i've noticed that when i'm comfortable i still prefer to have at least one leg up on the chair when i'm sitting.  while i dont necessarily have to keep my knee up, i often find myself sitting cross legged in the chair.  i've started to do this more and more the longer i've been at my parents.  could just be a coping mechanism. not sure yet. but now i see why my dad kept telling me it wasn't proper..i look quite silly doing it.

there are things however that i would like to go back to.  like for instance, i used to be able to save.  the way things are right now, retail therapy has been my downfall.  and it really doesn't help that i've memorized all my credit card information when i'm sitting at a computer all day long. most recent splurge-a michael kors watch. my version of retail therapy a'int cheap that's for sure. but i used to be able to save money.  up until a few years ago i always had a 'secret' cash stash.  whenever i received cash either gifts, allowance, or taking money out of the bank, i'd throw a $20 or whatever was the biggest bill into a wallet that i hid in the closet.  that was my just in case money.  i'd learned that from my mom and my grandma who always seemed to have a secret stash of cash ("shhh, don't tell papa/dad").  and if there was an instance i really needed cash and didnt have time to go to the bank, i'd take what i needed from my stash.  at one point i had like $500 in there. most of which i took to the bank.  i could use this habit again, but maybe i'll do the $5 jar, or even the $1/day thing... and see where it gets me.  i think i'll start today.