gimme some heat mon...

if you were to ask me what kind of weather i prefer i would immediately respond with "i like it hot".  i'm most comfortable when the weather is a more moderate 78°F but i love it when it's sunny and 85°.  the only exception is in the evening...particularly bedtime.  i love to curl up under a big fluffy comforter surrounded by equally fluffy pillows.  that's not happening if it is warm...  not that i can't sleep when it's warm, just that i would prefer to be warm because i'm under soft blankets and pillows and not sprawled out panting like a dog trying to cool off.  add in the weird quirk where i prefer to breathe cool, dry air and not hot, humid air and i'm quite the sight all bundled up save for my nose and mouth which must have access to cooler air. 

that said...in my house i expect the air conditioning system to work the most at night.  which it failed to do last night. i woke up almost wheezing because the air was hot and thick, saturated heavily which is no surprise since it was also storming like mad.  frustrated, i seriously debated sleeping in my dusty, construction trash filled, unfinished basement.  and i hate unfinished basements. they scare me.  here's to hoping my house isn't a furnace when i get home later.  poor kona is probably panting his little heart out.

total change in topic: i can't wait to be able to do this to my baby...jan can't come fast enough! (just kidding. jan can wait...take your time, no rush!)

 eeeeee...too friggin cute.

torn

ripped apart
peacefully content and yet a turbulence of thoughts and emotions race through me. knitting the pieces of me back but finding more holes and unraveled parts. fixing and breaking and repeating.  healing and hurting and losing.

one small step for man...

...one giant leap for moi....

my life has recently taken a nosedive into the dark oblivion and for the past couple months or so i have been battling the wildest emotional rollercoaster i have ever experienced.  today begins a new chapter titled "the quest for happiness".  i don't know what kinds of adventures lie ahead in my path.  i don't know what challenges i need to overcome, or what obstacles i may face.  but do we ever know the future? can we prepare ourselves for things unknown? i certainly don't.  and for my entire life up to now it's held me back.  i've always either taken the safest, cleanest route where many have tread before me, or lowered to the dirty levels of scumminess.  i've always had someone to take my hand and lead me. no longer. this time i do this for me. i feel like curling into a ball and waiting until someone comes and picks me up again but no matter the physical pain it causes, my anxiety will no longer hold me back.  i think..maybe...i hope.

strugglin..

i feel like i'm running but i'm falling behind
i'm chasing life but time's being unkind
so lost in my thoughts not paying attention
so many things my friends forgot to mention
how did i let life get away from me
walking blindly unwilling to see
somehow i lost myself along the way
now i dont know what to do or what to say
i'm surrounded but i'm all alone
the elephant in the room just seems to have grown
mouths are moving and words come out
but nothing's being really said no doubt
finding the courage that should be there
to have my mind and my heart laid bare
its a struggle an endless fight
questioning what i want and if its right


i'm lost. someone come find me.

Mom Mode: On

When you're pregnant for the first time, and maybe for some every time you get pregnant...a common fear most women have, the most flagrant question hovering at the corners of your mind is "will I be a good mother?" Well, so far...that's been the case for me.  The thing is though, I've already had brief glimpses of my own motherly prowess and honestly I think I'll be ok. 

Example...yesterday morning not surprisingly our exchange student, Maxime, was awake extremely early.  As I get up super early in the morning to go to work, a teenager up at that time is usually a rare occurrence.  But as he was probably still jet lagged, 6am here is like 1pm in France.  So, I got him to come eat breakfast.  I don't even eat breakfast at home so to prepare breakfast, even though it was just cereal, that's totally new for me.  But at the same time I didn't feel weird about it.  It was like natural.  Then I proceeded to tell the kid to go back to sleep after he ate because I knew his day was going to be extremely long and I was worried he'd get too tired.  Then later on my drive into work I was thinking about the weather and very nearly called the hubby to make sure Maxime was dressed properly.  I stopped myself of course, mildly surprised at my own strange motherly thoughts.  Where the heck did that come from?!

Apparently the mom switch has been turned on.

and then rewind

you're 2 steps ahead while i'm 5 steps behind

i play it all again and then hit rewind

i know where i should be

i know what people want to see

you're leading the way and givin me space

all i want to do is freeze in this time and place

the fear keeps me from moving ahead

yet i know i shouldn't just be spoon fed

i'm just oh so weak

to stand on my own two feet

how do i find the strength to do what i must

to give my heart and learn to trust

i'm lost and wandering

parched in this desert wondering

how do i step out of my own skin

and find the strength from within

theres a light inside that wants to shine

i want to claim it and make it mine

but i'm frozen in place

fear so plainly on my face

oh why can't you see

just how much it hurts me

when you're 2 steps ahead and i'm 5 steps behind

and still i play it all again and then hit rewind

The French Connection

Our French child arrives this afternoon.  I'm excited but I'm also nervous. I'm 27...what do I know about taking care of a teenager?!  Thankfully I'm sure the next 3 weeks will fly by.  Who knows, by the end of this month I may learn a thing or two.  I'm sure I'll learn some French...oui?

Went to the grocery store yesterday to buy snacks for the kid.  Though I'm pretty sure it was merely an excuse to buy ourselves the childhood snacks we'd been denying ourselves.  The sugary prepackaged likes of fruit snacks, jello, s'mores 'granola' bars, goldfish...etc.  In reality, we'll probably be the ones eating all of these snacks ourselves.  I can't complain.  I've been snacking on most nearly anything and everything I can get my hands on.  Especially anything sweet or fruity.  This baby's gonna have a mad sweet tooth.  Just like mom...and grandma...and great grandma...and so on.

Speaking of food, you have to wonder which of our American foods dubbed "french" are actually influenced by french food.  French fries...definitely not.  French toast? I'd go with not on that one too.  French bread? I could go on, however I won't.

Well this should definitely be an experience.  I'll update with more later when we meet the kid. 

the internet reads my mind!!

So I listen to music primarily on Pandora. Mostly because I'm bored of the same old same old crap they play on the radio.  Ok, its not necessarily crap, however all the good songs are extremely overplayed.  And then they become crap.  Bastards.  Anyway...there's been several instances in which the internet seems to read my mind and play such corresponding music that you have to wonder how the hell Pandora knew to choose that next song.  I mean seriously...how many songs are out there and it chooses the 4 in the entire bunch that just sings your heart, all in a row?

Today, the universe decided to speak to me.  I was in one hell of a bad mood, feeling like I was falling apart...like the kind of dull ache of a heartbreak for reasons unknown.  I decided to switch stations because I refuse to listen to J.Lo and that ridiculous song 'On the Floor'...hate that song.  And this came on...oddly uplifting and inspiring.  I suppose though that's what you would get when you listen to Christian Rock.  But I thought I'd share in case the universe decides to lead some lost lonely soul to my page.  My version of paying it forward I guess.

Does anyone know french?

In t-minus 5 days I will become a host mom to a 16 year old French boy.  My neighbor coerced convinced us that we should help with the HOST Chicago program that is bringing in 2 groups of French foreign exchange students for 3 weeks. It is a little odd, a young couple with no kids hosting a teenager.  Especially since both of us work full time during the week, but with help from the neighbors and them having teenagers themselves it should be no problem.  In truth, I'm actually fairly excited. Should be quite the experience.

shutting my trap.

i have run my mouth...or rather my fingers...way too much lately and i think today i've managed to piss off like everyone i've talked to. which is a first...i usually don't piss people off.  and i don't like pissing people off so i've decided at least for the rest of the day, while i'm in this state of mind i will not bring anyone else down to my level of frustrated depression. apparently the things coming out of my head aren't helping anyone and i'm sure everyone's tired of hearing the lame melancholy selfish thoughts of mine.

so i'm shuttin my trap til further notice.

need you now

im choking. walking on eggshells. what do i say, what do i do to make it right? you're there but you're not and i don't know what to do anymore.  i wish i could wake up from this nightmare...

whats in a dream?

i know i dream every night and i know i have multiple dreams every night and obviously i know i don't remember about 99.9% of them.  but the ones i do remember...are either extremely vivid and detailed, or are disturbingly strange and i wake up thinking WHAT.THE.FUCK?! usually the residuals of the dream linger long enough for me to piece most of it back together though sometimes other things come into my mind and i lose the dream as it fades back into my subconscious.  sometimes even when the dream fades it still leaves an impression especially if it's one of the more strange of the bunch.  riding a magic horse to the hospital for instance....actually, that one i remember most of the dream.

last nights dream is a jumble and though most of it has faded there are key parts that i do remember...

first off. i was clearly an assassin. a hired gun.  and within my 'organization' i had one particular person as my competition.  that person was definitely liev schreiber in full assassin mode a la 'salt' however he looked more like this:

hey scruffy...

did i mention i frequently have dreams with celebrities? bruce willis, paul walker, patrick dempsey... mcdreamy in my dreams...woot.

anyway, back to last nights dream.

i was an assassin. and my "buddy" liev and i were going after the same target. but we got spotted and had to run. funny thing dreams...daylight can become night in an instant and outside can become inside.  so we're running in broad daylight and then we find trees below us and all of a sudden we're cloaked in darkness as we literally jump down into the trees and do something called a 'rainbow' where we basically entwine our bodies into the limbs of the tree. (don't ask...i have NO CLUE) our enemies spot us because his pale ass arm was sticking out. again...i dont know how we became invisible by hiding in trees.  and they yell out "it's them he's got the tattoo" and then i realize i have a tattoo on the inside of my wrist. but since they found us i break cover and run...get this...out the door.  like i was inside that whole time. 

the rest are just bits and pieces, me running and meeting up with more people in my organization including my 'significant other' whose face changed a few times...weird. anyway, there was lots of running and shooting.  and the last bit was me and my guy sitting in a cafe guns on the table next to our cups of coffee and as we lean in to kiss...I WAKE UP.

i suppose its better than the magic horse one where i literally was 'flying' on the ground pulling myself along with the help of a woman and a child trying to get to the hospital because i had hives/boils/blisters all over my body after going for a swim in a lake and then getting picked up by the magic horse who took me to the hospital only part of the hospital was an animal hospital so i sill had to find the people part of the hospital but by the time i got there i fainted and had a miscarriage...but also in that same dream i lost one of my best friends so overall it was a really bad dream. 

anyone care to dive in to interpret the oddities of my mind?