i'm...happy?

despite the fact that it is indeed the most disliked day of the week, i'm feeling amazing.  i have back and neck pain but that's not new...and right now i don't even hardly notice it since i'm in that much of a good mood. for too long now i've lamented and mourned over the end of friendships and other relationships.  i forgot to be grateful and cherish the friendships and family that have blossomed and strengthened me through these rough times.  there's still more rough times to come i'm sure as things get worked out but i know i'll get through it.  i know i'm no angel, and no one is perfect obviously.  we are who we are, and we make mistakes and learn every day.  people come in and out of our lives whether we want them to or not.  but thats the beauty of it.  you're never in the same spot more than once in your life.  you'll never have the same people in your life the same way they are at this moment. and its so completely true how you will discover who really make your life better when you go through hardships.  these are the people who will listen and understand...shake their head and sigh when you've done something wrong...instead of judge you, berate you, blame you, because the fact is, they love you and they just want you to be happy.  even if they don't understand...even if they'd warned you ahead of time...theres no need for 'i told you so's and 'how could you be so dumb'... chances are you're already doing a fine job of that yourself.

i find myself in a precarious position... how long will this mild sense of euphoria, this zen state, last?  will i fall back into a state of mourning? i'm sure i will...but the question is, will i ever be able to stop blaming myself?

for now though, i've not been this happy in a while so i'm going to live in the moment.

i think that life's too short for this, i want back my ignorance and bliss-p!nk

reverting

moving back in with my parents has kind of thrown a loop into things with my life.  even though i pretty much exist independently from the rest of the family minus dinner time when my sister chooses to eat with me rather than wait for my parents to get home from work, i find myself reverting to old habits that i used to have when i was in high school.  of course, i'm far from reverting to my old self around my parents.  in fact i'm much more in control of my own life than i ever have been before.  not to say i'm better.  shit still stinks like shit and i'm still suffering.  but perhaps in a better environment.  

when i was younger, say grade school age, i used to have this habit of putting my leg up on the chair with my knee up between my body and the table during meal times.  it kind of was a point of contention with my dad since it's not quite 'lady-like' nor proper to sit like that at the table, but it was what i did.  my mom thinks i got it from my great grandpa who used to do that all the time...and eat ketchup with everything.  who knows where i got it from, i just know that it was comfortable for me. eventually, with enough conscious practice, i grew out of it. or so i thought.  now that i'm much more self aware i've noticed that when i'm comfortable i still prefer to have at least one leg up on the chair when i'm sitting.  while i dont necessarily have to keep my knee up, i often find myself sitting cross legged in the chair.  i've started to do this more and more the longer i've been at my parents.  could just be a coping mechanism. not sure yet. but now i see why my dad kept telling me it wasn't proper..i look quite silly doing it.

there are things however that i would like to go back to.  like for instance, i used to be able to save.  the way things are right now, retail therapy has been my downfall.  and it really doesn't help that i've memorized all my credit card information when i'm sitting at a computer all day long. most recent splurge-a michael kors watch. my version of retail therapy a'int cheap that's for sure. but i used to be able to save money.  up until a few years ago i always had a 'secret' cash stash.  whenever i received cash either gifts, allowance, or taking money out of the bank, i'd throw a $20 or whatever was the biggest bill into a wallet that i hid in the closet.  that was my just in case money.  i'd learned that from my mom and my grandma who always seemed to have a secret stash of cash ("shhh, don't tell papa/dad").  and if there was an instance i really needed cash and didnt have time to go to the bank, i'd take what i needed from my stash.  at one point i had like $500 in there. most of which i took to the bank.  i could use this habit again, but maybe i'll do the $5 jar, or even the $1/day thing... and see where it gets me.  i think i'll start today. 

Did that just happen?

First...This song popped up on my spotify account under the recommended albums.  Interesting.  It scares me when the internet picks things out of my brain.  

Second. I think I've either taken deja vu to a whole different level or I've managed to find a wormhole into another dimension through my dreams.  Kind of like that brief tv series Awake, where you're not really sure which is real. I really have to think and be aware of what's going on around me or I start hallucinating.  I'm sure it directly correlates with the amount of sleep I get at night.  But with all the stress I'm under, the near constant back pain, it's hard to rest.  Even on days when I'm able to get extra rest, I'm still not getting the kind of relaxation that I need.  Sometimes I'm left wondering...did that just happen? This weekend being one of them.  Which just took the confusion level up another notch.  I have no idea what's going on anymore.

lonely.

how is it possible to feel lonely when there's so many people around who love you? how does loneliness feel so empty?  i wish i didn't feel this way, empty and alone.  can't concentrate on anything, don't want to do anything.  wishing you could just stop time.  it's an empty wish. i know better. i'm running out of motivation. 

...here is the deepest secret nobody knows...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


e e cummings 

in college i took a literary poetry class where all we did was read poems and interpret the underlying messages and meanings.  i think it was my favorite class.  i took it originally as a gpa booster knowing i could easily get an A in it (much like purposefully taking the spanish placement test in such a way that i'd only end up in spanish 2).  but really it taught me to appreciate and understand the power of words and the gravity of the emotions and meanings behind and underlying those words.  most people don't realize that even by the way they string words together, the way they phrase their thoughts into words, how they say something is often laced with the emotions they are feeling which will in turn affect the emotions of the person they're speaking to.  certainly we can all pick up when someone is excited, sad, angry, etc just by the smallest inflections in the voice. but during this era of non verbal communication through email, text, online chats those feelings can become lost.  theres so much miscommunication because the way one person intends something may not be the manner the other receives it.  you really have to be careful about the way you word things.  thats how people get hurt.  sigh.

junior doctor...

Frustrations

I don't know if it's possible to be any more frustrated, any more defeated than I am right now.  I can't say I have anything to look forward to other than watching my son grow up.  I wonder if that's enough.  I hope it's enough. 

I need to let things go.  Need to let things be.  I cannot control everything around me. I cannot control other people. I can only control me.  Chasing dreams, when reality is chasing me.  It's a game of hide and seek.  And once in a while, it finds me.  Ever wonder why it is when you want time to speed up, it seems to go slower and when you want things to freeze for a moment, it seems to speed up?  It's crazy how much time has passed in the last year.  Sometimes, I find myself wondering...where did it all go?

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave.  Why is it then, I'm battling against those saying I'm taking the easy way out?  Why is it then, that I feel like I've lost? I wish there was a guide book for this.  I wish I could feel that it'll be ok in the end.  I'm better now but I'm worse.  And I don't know how that could be.  All I know is no matter how much sleep I get, I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained.  No rest for the weary, right?  Everything hurts. Everything.

Now, another thought troubles me. I need to leave again.  Not in the same way as before. There's nothing I can do anymore. Other than to leave.  It almost seems harder this time, this way.  But, what else can I do...when I don't feel wanted.