checkmate

strugglin to keep from drowning, trying to stay afloat
my castle is a fortress, with an ocean for a moat
life's no fairytale, you can't always get what you want
the sisters weave the story, and they like to tease and taunt
do some things last forever, or is there always an expiration
you tore through my fortress, then left no explanation
you left me standing here, naked and exposed
when last i checked, i had myself upright and composed
broken and battered, stripped of all my armor
gone is my knight, who'da thought you were such a charmer
how contented you seem, to leave it up to fate
you only need one word though, that's 'checkmate'.

Walled up.

Edgar Allan Poe - The Cask of Amontillado

I took myself away to hide and built a brick wall.  I feel it all around me encasing me, choking me, not letting anyone in.  I'm lying to most everyone, and I'm lying to myself. Too afraid to disappoint everyone.  You live your whole life doing what's expected, what you think other people would want...how can you know what you want when you've never actually sat down and thought about it? How can you find out what you want when your whole being exists to please others, to do what they want, or at lest to do what you think they want, to be living a life that is deemed acceptable or more than expected by those people whom you care about the most?  How do you love yourself when you look into your own heart and find the one person you've disappointed the most is you? 

heart.

<3 this song. bringin' it back into the play list...

random thoughts

the day has just begun and yet already a myriad of thoughts have crossed my mind.
starting with first awakening:
1. where is my husband? turns out he never made it home last night. part of me was not surprised.

2. why am i sleeping crooked? this is why...

morning mommy! i get breakfast now?

good morning to you too kona. thanks for taking mommy's leg space.

3. what happened to my alarm? ...somehow i managed to shut it off. luckily i woke up in time anyway.

4. why does my house smell like a skunk dragged itself inside and died?!  no time to figure that one out. i'm hoping by the time i get home this evening there's no more smell.

5. so...many...dirty...dishes...no time. i'll do them later. maybe. if i have time before we leave for the show...unless i decide to take a nap. 

6. checklist. make sure kona poops, check. feed the kona, check. fill water bowl, check. take meds, check. am i missing something? i feel like i'm missing something....ah too late. gotta go. keys keys where are my keys?

7. why does my car sound like an rc car? the goldsmobile has seen better days.  a year and a half ago the transmission had to be rebuilt and its never been the same since.  had it checked out several times since but the transmission shop says it looks good. but i've had this baby for 10 years so i know when she sounds sick. a couple days ago i noticed a strange sound. this morning i just finally equated it to an electric toy car. on my drive to work i noticed its only in the lower gears. i used to make fun of my plastic civic but now it actually does make a "wrrrrrrrr" sound. insert sad face here.

8. (sees a bag of bagels and/or donuts tossed out on the side of the road) who the heck throws donuts away?! (contemplates stopping to pick it up...decides that's probably the grossest thought i've ever had and continues driving) then i realize i've already done something super gross like that...this one time i was waiting for my friends to arrive at the airport for our flight out to the west coast so i stopped to get an ice cream cone.  i was quickly spotted and sought out by an older black gentleman who decided he wanted to chat.  now if you know me, this is part of my black peen magnetism which i don't care for. in my frustration of trying to get out of this conversation i drop my damn ice cream.  but did i pick it up and throw it away? no. i picked it up and ran to the bathroom to 'wash' the ice cream and continued to mow down on it.  THAT will forever be the grossest thing i've ever done. hey, i didn't contract some strange stomach bug so it worked out.  and i've never told anyone that until just now. hm. maybe i should have kept that one to myself...

9. what oh what should i have to eat for breakfast? i had mcd's yesterday today will be dunkin donuts. hm gonna be a long day, maybe i should get coffee. i shouldn't have caffeine though. but i'm gonna need it...maybe a little one. this continues back and forth until i pull up to the drive thru speaker and say "medium hazelnut coffee cream and extra sugar" to the teller. no..i don't have dunkin donuts for breakfast every friday...<shoves last bit of breakfast sandwich into mouth, chews slowly, swallows, sips coffee>

10. turn off the front porch light!!! i knew i was forgetting something...

It's going to be a long day. Let us see how sweet pea handles the morning coffee. I've resisted my morning cup since the day I found out.  When I've had other various coffee drinks (read: starbucks java chip frapp like once a week) he/she seems to do just fine.  Cola however makes for an interesting belly acrobatics plus a crazy sugar rush. Did that once...never again.

Let the weekend commence.

PS if this doesn't make your day better I don't know what will....

dopamine.

need more of this. and this tat might be next on my list.

the harder i fight it the harder it slaps me back.
the stronger i get the weaker i feel.
the more i think the less i know.
the farther i run from it the closer it is.
i get back up only to fall down again.
this is life. my life. and its time to change.

the quest for happiness is cloudy and fraught with indecision and uncertainty.  i dove head first into this mist hoping for the best outcome and though i knew it would be difficult, i only now realize i'm still just navigating the surface.  doing the backstroke in murky waters and going in circles.  just when i get the nerve to do something i find myself treading in fear because the darkness before the light is intimidating. time attempts to push me forward but i'm battling the waves in the storm.  the only recourse is the dreamworld that surrounds me painting pictures of a life that is not my own.  how do you tell someone you've tied yourself to that somewhere along the way that knot unraveled and you might not care to knot and double knot it again?  when will the tempest rest and give me a moment of clarity?

its war

the 2 halves of my brain are engaged in an epic battle of wills.  logic v emotion.  while they can peacefully coexist in the same warm dark damp habitat that is the inside of my skull, its expected, as with any pairing, that occasionally a difference in opinion may arise.  in my case it's quite rare that the two parts of me are ever in disagreement.  usually one easily dominates the other and can convince that other part of me to compromise.  however, its officially an all out brawl between the two.  significant damage has been done to the personas common sense and contentment. i'm off balance and weakening. purely exhausted from waging this war within me.  why can't we all just get along, sit around a camp fire and sing kumbaya?  i need a nap.