lonely.

how is it possible to feel lonely when there's so many people around who love you? how does loneliness feel so empty?  i wish i didn't feel this way, empty and alone.  can't concentrate on anything, don't want to do anything.  wishing you could just stop time.  it's an empty wish. i know better. i'm running out of motivation. 

...here is the deepest secret nobody knows...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


e e cummings 

in college i took a literary poetry class where all we did was read poems and interpret the underlying messages and meanings.  i think it was my favorite class.  i took it originally as a gpa booster knowing i could easily get an A in it (much like purposefully taking the spanish placement test in such a way that i'd only end up in spanish 2).  but really it taught me to appreciate and understand the power of words and the gravity of the emotions and meanings behind and underlying those words.  most people don't realize that even by the way they string words together, the way they phrase their thoughts into words, how they say something is often laced with the emotions they are feeling which will in turn affect the emotions of the person they're speaking to.  certainly we can all pick up when someone is excited, sad, angry, etc just by the smallest inflections in the voice. but during this era of non verbal communication through email, text, online chats those feelings can become lost.  theres so much miscommunication because the way one person intends something may not be the manner the other receives it.  you really have to be careful about the way you word things.  thats how people get hurt.  sigh.

junior doctor...

Frustrations

I don't know if it's possible to be any more frustrated, any more defeated than I am right now.  I can't say I have anything to look forward to other than watching my son grow up.  I wonder if that's enough.  I hope it's enough. 

I need to let things go.  Need to let things be.  I cannot control everything around me. I cannot control other people. I can only control me.  Chasing dreams, when reality is chasing me.  It's a game of hide and seek.  And once in a while, it finds me.  Ever wonder why it is when you want time to speed up, it seems to go slower and when you want things to freeze for a moment, it seems to speed up?  It's crazy how much time has passed in the last year.  Sometimes, I find myself wondering...where did it all go?

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave.  Why is it then, I'm battling against those saying I'm taking the easy way out?  Why is it then, that I feel like I've lost? I wish there was a guide book for this.  I wish I could feel that it'll be ok in the end.  I'm better now but I'm worse.  And I don't know how that could be.  All I know is no matter how much sleep I get, I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained.  No rest for the weary, right?  Everything hurts. Everything.

Now, another thought troubles me. I need to leave again.  Not in the same way as before. There's nothing I can do anymore. Other than to leave.  It almost seems harder this time, this way.  But, what else can I do...when I don't feel wanted. 

don't wake me up

People are idiots.

Sometimes I wonder how people are still thriving like the parasitic insects we are to the Earth considering how many of the population are just plain dumb.  I'm not excluding myself from the group, knowing I've had my fair share of "God, that was stupid" moments. But you gotta wonder where all the common sense went in the world. 

I read this article on ClearCare contact lens solution this morning.  Just so you know, this is the solution I use for my contacts and I must say it is one of my favorites that I've used. I've had contacts for 15 years now and have used a variety of solutions.  WHEN USED CORRECTLY, it really clears off your contacts, first by killing off bacteria to prevent infection (not to mention the just the idea that bacteria builds up on your contacts creeps me out), but also by removing the buildup of proteins that over time makes the lenses thick and cloudy. I have multiple cases that are specific for this solution with the piece of platinum coated metal that will neutralize the hydrogen peroxide.  So for a lazy bum like me who tends to sleep in their contacts, I could wash and switch out my contacts in the morning and have fresh ones in my eyes. 

EYE BURN WARNING!

Reading this really hit a nerve apparently because I felt the need to blog about it. But seriously, since I use it, I KNOW with 100% proof that the bottle comes with a big red warning label on the top.  I don't know exactly what it says but I'm quite sure its somewhere along the lines of "STOP! DO NOT USE IN FLAT CONTACT CASES".  I mean granted the red label is a cardboard piece that can easily be removed from the bottle, and I suppose people could easily take that off and toss it.  But honestly people, when you see a big flashy red thing with words on it, wouldn't you think to at least read it?!  People these days....