turn the page

do you remember those choose your own adventure books? you'd start reading and then there'd be a page where you got to pick what happened next... and then you'd turn to that page and it would continue on with the story.  but you kept your finger on the last page in case you didn't like where the story was going?  it didn't count that way...if you kept your finger there just in case. 

too bad real life doesn't work like that.  i can't stick my finger here in this part of my story to peek at the outcome of my next decision and come back if it's not what i wanted.  i have to accept that the option i choose will be the adventure i created for myself. 

there are no regrets here at this point in the story.  the story is what it is and there's no changing that.  i know i'll look back one day and wonder...what if? i've done that a lot recently but unlike in the past, now i don't dwell on the what if's of my past. it's one thing to think about it...reminisce on the could have moments but its another to let it consume you. 

another chapter in my story has ended and its time to turn the page to begin the next chapter.   this is my story. and truthfully...i wouldn't have it any other way.

i hate this part

i hate this part...when i have to break down the glass wall.

i hate this part right here

here we go

oh woe, woe is me
need to break free
find my place
find my face
with you or without you
girl gotta do what she gotta do
been dwellin on the what ifs and why
been holdin me back when its time to fly
i'm a phoenix burned to ashes
will i rise again in brilliant flashes
will it be a dull glow
taking time to grow
essence buried under the pile
been hidin there for a while
a light breeze comes through
and away the ashes flew
cold and naked in the dark
find the strength find the spark
i'm still here but i am gone
movie reel spins on and on
cut the image burn the film
enter into another realm


With a heavy heart, the decision I must make now is when. How long can one prolong the inevitable? And will I be able to do this...and not look back and regret it?  I try not to live with regrets, and so far I really don't have any.  But I've never faced a crossroads that truly changes the next destination. 

work in progress

never again.

on repeat.

i'm a work in progress
somewhere in the middle
go forth and then digress
the answers in the riddle
just gotta review it
and then look anew at it
strength is very becoming
hope and faith renewing
i'm drifting away
though i wish you'd stay
but i made an oath
i promised my heart
the only way to growth
is for us to be apart
isn't this what you wanted
you said it'd be better
are you now haunted
by this storm you cannot weather
i'm all alone but i'm ok
i'm ready to fight another day
the times are tough
the times are rough
but i gotta move on
now that you're gone
you told me no
and then you made it so
it's a work in progress
sorting this hot mess
i'm all alone but i'm ok
i'm ready to fight another day

but i still miss it. </3

revelations

It's amazing, the way we are able to internalize things, the way we can portray something completely different outwardly.  It's amazing how we perceive things based on what we see, and how we want to see things.  A recent conversation with one of my best friends started off with a reenactment of the kind of mess I make of things which ends up with me crying on his shoulder.  He swears he might even still have the shirt with my mascara stain from 10 years ago.  Well, what started off with old problems, new news, quickly turned into me being so completely and utterly shocked at revelations that came out into the open.  It was really so shocking that I spent the next morning wondering if it was all a dream. 

I'm not sure what to make of these new thoughts spinning in my head. In a way I'm more confused, yet I'm also more resolved to make the decision that I've been avoiding for months. Definitely need more time to work things out....

Castle Walls

This song is a reminder that we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. What you see is what I want you to see. Few get to see the raw, real disaster behind my smile. 

man in the happy mask-creepy....but all too true