In the dark of the night..

I knew drinking a Pepsi with dinner was a poor decision.  I knew the caffeine would keep me up, I knew the sugar wasn't what my body needed, I knew I shouldn't...and yet. I did.  Maybe one of these days, I'll learn...

I lay awake staring at the ceiling lit by the light of the streetlamp streaming through my bedroom window..watching the shadows, trying not to let my overactive imagination get the best of me.  That's not a person I tell myself, that's just the shadow of the tree outside. A barrage of thoughts filled my head as I struggled to clear my mind and relax my body.  A meditation tape played in the background, music softly attempting to soothe my wild energy.  Unpredictable flares emit from my soul, black as the shadows above me.  A darkness...and then tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm just an empty shell, no substance, no personality.  Easily filled with the energy of those who surround me. I'm a succubus. I contribute nothing to the world...I only consume. A pretty face with no soul. No wonder no one loves me for very long. Negative energy. Purging from my body. Drowning me in darkness. A flash of anger. A red streak of energy bursts through the tears. WRONG. A mind shift. I wipe the tears from my face and in a breath release the black lies of shame. I breathe in the moonlight and it fills my soul.  I was someone.  I still am that someone.  I just pushed it down and boxed it up inside.  And buried it. I buried it under piles of all the things I thought I needed to be, the person I thought I should be.  That box has all of me in it.  And it's calling to me.  Dig it up. Open it.  I envision a ball of colorful energy suppressed by glittery darkness. There I am.  Here I am, I hear. A smile. A sigh. Golden tendrils creep forth and embrace me.  Calm. Relaxation. Sleep.

This is human.  

daddys girl

i never considered myself a 'daddy's girl'.  my dad and i never quite had that kind of relationship.  growing up he was hard on me to do my best, be the best, know how to do basically everything.  i always thought he just expected me to live up to his standards of success.  and i hated it.  i resented it. i fought it with every atom in my body.  i hated the lectures, the long emails, the times he called me 'too emotional'...

but i always knew i craved his approval, his praise.  i always wanted to make him proud of me. what can i say? the truth is, i have 'asian parents'.  they expect the best.

except i'm not the best. not by a long shot.  but my dad has always been there if i asked for help.  always.

maybe it's the lack of sleep, the enormity of the stress i'm under, the foreboding mystery of the immediate future. but today, i need my daddy. not the father who expects his oldest daughter to keep herself together, be logical and rational.  not the father who lectures to teach me a lesson.  i need my daddy... today, i am the scared little girl who fell down and scraped her knee.  today i'm the scared and angry teenager who just was told her professor is failing her out of her psychology class because he thought she cheated.  today, i am the terrified single mother of his first and only grandson who is about to go through a potentially messy divorce and has drained her savings and has been relying on the shelter of her childhood home for too long... today, i NEED my daddy.

i am soooo a daddy's girl.

Open Seas

I steered my ship into the open sea
Away from the lands of familiarity
With the biggest breath I drew
I forced the winds and away we flew
Now in the dead of night
I wonder if it was right
And now it's the silent, calm seas
Drifting slowly without the breeze
I sit afloat my vessel and wonder
How much more breath can I muster
To take me out into the blackest seas
Fog so dense brings me to the knees
Gaze up at the stars and pray to the one
Please help me through this, me and my son
Help me find my truest true north
Shine bright so I may go forth
Give me the courage to brave my fears
All with blind eyes and all with deaf ears
Help me to release all of my doubt
Let it go to let you in and show me the route
I steered my ship into the open sea
I brought it here to finally be free

haunted

ghosts of actions past
promises that didnt last
broken pieces over and over again
reminiscent thoughts of way back when
pleasured echos heard through the halls
laughing voices bounce off the walls
a quiet whisper floats in the breeze
silent tears cried upon these knees
a sigh, a shudder, a chapter closed
a lie, a truth, a heart exposed

Growing pains...

When we're 2, its the bumps on the head when we learn we can no longer stand under the table.
When we're 5, it's the too short, too tight, too small clothes pinching you in places that Dad puts on by accident.
When we're 10, its the gym shoes (again) that don't fit anymore 3 months after the summer goes by and your exasperated Mom has to run to the store to buy new ones the day before school starts.
When we're 13, it's the awkward feeling of your skin after a growth spurt and the stumbling over your own feet, and the soreness of your mouth after you get your braces tightened.
When we're 16, its the first heartache of breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
When we're 21, it's the hangover that teaches us the costs of a night or 2 of heavy drinking.
When we're 24, 25, 26...30, it's the pain of overcoming your fears to become stronger and wiser.  It's the pain of the anxiety you feel right before you do something you're afraid to do.  It's the pain of the disappointment and hurt you feel when you fail. It's the pain of the heartache of a divorce.  It's the pain of the worry and panic you feel when your first child is learning something new because you don't want them to feel pain but you know...he's got to go through some pain in order to grow.

We all have these growing pains - and it's hard to describe it as a growing pain because we are trained to associate pain with a physical response.  A lot of it is emotional pain.  The kind of pain I learned to numb, ignore, push back... But then, it pushes back at you eventually.  I'm learning a lot about myself and am finally aware of a lot of things that I did and still do because of the fear of pain.

Fear is a learned behavior. I watched my 2 year old bob up and down in the pool wondering - how is he not afraid? Even after he went under and I scrambled to pull him up...he still kept at it...unafraid.  I myself clung to him for the next 10 mins trying to keep him in the shallows while he tried to jump in the pool like the big kids.  Note to self: Get the boy swim lessons.  I know my fears have grown over my lifetime.  I know because I feel the anxiety of fear within myself.  At times it can cause me to feel physical pain.  It's not just the adrenaline pumping through your veins, the elevated heart rate, the uneven labored breaths.. It's that times 100. Feeling like your body is being ripped open and your guts mauled to shreds.  Fighting tears because your head is so full of words and fear and blood.  Dizzy and lightheaded from the pain, imagining every possible thing that could go wrong and imagining the WORST possible things that could go wrong and acting as if they will..fighting against the darkening cloud of false misfortunes. That's what it's like sometimes.  Being afraid.  I used to numb it...so I wouldn't have to feel it.  If I felt the beginnings of it I turned around and went back to my safe zone.  But it didn't help me get to where I wanted to be.

Now I have learned I can push back against the fear, against the pain.  And come out the other side of the cloud. Learning I can doesn't mean I always will. But it's a step in the right direction...

I am enough...

A while ago I watched a couple of TED talks that were recommended to me by my therapist. Obviously something I said during that session triggered that at home assignment.  Watching it opened up yet another layer of myself that I never knew existed.  It was about shame and vulnerability.  In these TED talks, Dr. Brene Brown talks about these topics which are normally so hard to talk about.  They're ugly, messy topics but she's such an amazing presenter/speaker that it's not awkward or painful to listen and hear. It's actually very entertaining while being relevant.  I even started reading her book Daring Greatly (note to self: finish reading this book).  I'd started working on it but it got put in the back as I got busy.  Yesterday, I randomly read an interview between Bobbi Brown and Laverne Cox. (It peaked my interest because I like Orange is the New Black and love Laverne's character) In this conversation, a random name pops up - Brene Brown. Yep, she's back in my brain.  I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. This time it's a reminder...I need to keep up with my self care.  Right then, I got one of her audiobooks: The Power of Vulnerability. One of her practices to build shame resilience is to speak shame, acknowledge shame, and own your story. "When you own your story, you get to write the ending." And I want to write the ending.

I live in constant fear of not being enough. But I'm working on it...

..I think I'm ready for something new..

It's just another sunrise on another day.
It's just another rainbow, well they're all the same.
And let me guess, a sunset, followed by the moon.
I think I'm ready for something new.
It's just another love song about another girl.
Just another movie where they save the world.
And every roller coaster does a loop-de-loop.
I guess I'm ready for something new.
I'm not saying life is boring just predictable sometimes
When you know the end of every other line is gonna rhyme.
After every eight you're always gonna find a nine
And February 2nd will be cold outside.
I predict a summer, it isn't very long.
Then before you know it, we're singing Christmas songs.
Then we get another April, May and June.
I think I'm ready for something new.
I'm not saying life is boring 'cause it's beautiful sometimes
Like the feeling when you're falling, it's like walking on the sky.
There will come a morning you won't open up your eyes
But it's what you do until that day arrives.
You wanna touch a mountain or taste the waterfall.
You only have to see one, then you've seen them all.
Gonna bet tomorrow that the sky is blue.
I guess I'm ready
I think I'm ready
I hope I'm ready
For something new.

I think I'm in love with this song. I know he meant it to be about the new adventures ahead with his wife's pregnancy and the baby, but it speaks to me too in other ways. Something New - Tom Fletcher

Uh. SUPER cute video too!! So sweet.

Another one bites the dust

What do you do when you lose your best friend, lose them over and over again? I think I've lost more of my closest friends than I can count. And it makes me afraid to get close to anyone ever again. Just terrified. I keep trying to tell myself that's normal. It's a part of growing up and those people just are there to help you grow and while some will stay in your life, most will not.  Most of mine I can say we just drifted apart. But there are a few that still hurt to think about and every time is think about it, the wound just keeps ripping open.  I know it'll heal. But UGH. I hate this. I want to scream. I hate this!!!  But instead I put on my fake smile and carry on. Instead, I pretend my life is just peachy and I'm happy.  And sometimes I even believe it. Maybe it's even true for a moment. But something is still missing...I guess I'll just hope and wait for that piece to fall into place. And try to feel the light that shines on me every day.

cut off

i wonder how long it will take, for me to get over you
but i had to do it, i had to let go
i'm sorry if you're crying, i'd like to think you are
i'm crying too, maybe more than you
but on the other hand...
there's a part of me that's angry, angry at both of us
i let it go on, just a bit too long
i carried a hope in my heart, and put up blinders too
didn't want to see, or listen to my brain
the words you were saying, the distant look in your eyes
should have known better, left earlier
at least the pain isn't as bad, as bad as it was before
but my heart is still crumbling, falling apart
my solace is in knowing soon it won't hurt anymore
soon the sun will be shining and there is a tomorrow
and stubbornly i tell myself i did the right thing
and cut myself off...

Remember When...

Do you remember? Remember the days, not too long ago.

When we would walk together, and I loved you so?

When a simple message could brighten my day

When a hug and a kiss didn't feel so far away

And painfully, slowly, over time you pushed me from you

Cut me out and I stood there, not knowing what to do

I'm still wondering if I'll ever be let back inside

Still wishing and hoping for the pain to subside

Do you remember? Remember how we would laugh?

When we'd spend hours smiling, when you were my other half

When a touch didn't hurt and a look didn't sting

And painfully, slowly, I stopped wearing my ring

I know I have baggage, I know I come with a lot

But I know I'll give you everything, all of me more often than not

Do you remember? Remember when we would talk?

When you'd tell me everything and I didn't have to knock

When I'd tell you everything and I didn't have to fear

But painfully, slowly I started hiding what I thought you didn't want to hear

Defeated Deflated Demoralized and Confused

I'm holding myself together but I feel beaten and used

Don't tell me you still want me, don't tell me you care

Don't feel sad when I'm sad, when you're not even there

I see you through the window sad and alone

I wish I was the one you would call on the phone

But I'm just a shadow, a glimmer of what's past

And one day I'll fade away, fade away at last

Do you remember? Remember when you were there for me?

I was lost and despised but you helped me keep going you helped me be free

Now its my turn to support you, my turn to hold you up

But you won't allow it, I can't fill your cup

Do you remember? Remember when you let me go?

Probably not, because you didn't even know

But that's what happens when you shut someone like me out

I can't get through no matter how high I jump, no matter how loud I shout

I can try only so much, before its no use

The tether unravels a while before its finally cut loose

I still don't know if it's me and what I bring to the table

Or if you just like when your life is unstable

How many times have I told myself I'm done.

No more, screw you, you're not the one

Put my faith in my God and my head to my tasks

Be who I am, no mirrors or masks

Keeping up my health and the health of my son

Living my life, finding my joy and having my fun

Remember, remember me when

You open the door and let someone in

There will always be someone in the world out there

Someone who loves you, who really does care

It seems like I'm not the one, the one you'll adore

But at least whoever it is, they got you to open the door

Remember, remember me when 

You're happy and you can truly smile again.

...what now?...

...There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout!...