Another one bites the dust

What do you do when you lose your best friend, lose them over and over again? I think I've lost more of my closest friends than I can count. And it makes me afraid to get close to anyone ever again. Just terrified. I keep trying to tell myself that's normal. It's a part of growing up and those people just are there to help you grow and while some will stay in your life, most will not.  Most of mine I can say we just drifted apart. But there are a few that still hurt to think about and every time is think about it, the wound just keeps ripping open.  I know it'll heal. But UGH. I hate this. I want to scream. I hate this!!!  But instead I put on my fake smile and carry on. Instead, I pretend my life is just peachy and I'm happy.  And sometimes I even believe it. Maybe it's even true for a moment. But something is still missing...I guess I'll just hope and wait for that piece to fall into place. And try to feel the light that shines on me every day.