What a year...

2011...the best yet worst and shortest yet longest year of my short existence. 2012 should be better right? It'll certainly be different.  My life is forever changed with this angelic addition:

Baby Clayton Rey...my little moo calf. The last 2 weeks I've been doing nothing but milking myself for him.  Moo... and every time I do I can't help but think..."I've got nipples Greg, can you milk me?"

While I have been blessed with an adorable healthy baby boy (and healthy he is...2 weeks early and a full 7 lbs 5 oz at birth.  Atta boy Clayton), I've been cursed with a perfect storm of hormones, stress, and feeling overwhelmed, leading me down this dark agonizing path deeper into myself.  Hiding myself from everyone, even those I hold close to my heart.  Pretending everything is ok, telling myself everything will be fine, even when I don't feel that way.  What's that saying again? Fake it 'til you make it.  I hate that saying but that's what I'm trying to do for now.  2012 isn't looking too bright...

overwhelmed.

We all know being sleep deprived has no real positive effect on anyone.  Other than those that become thoroughly entertaining in the loopy stages of deprivation that is.  However there is certainly a fine line between said loopy stage and the semi-unconscious droning that we all know too well.  Driving to work and realizing you were auto-piloting the whole way and forgot to stop for the necessary coffee run along the way.  Chugging along with your daily mindless tasks only to realize you forgot about eating.  Come on, don't deny it....we've all been there.  Zombies. Mindless zombies.

PS Now would be a good time to add that I hate, nay, LOATHE zombies.  My prejudice against the undead extends from the deepest part of my very, very alive soul.  Don't ask me why, it's a thing. 

But I digress...

Apparently, lately for me being tired means that my brain tries to go into overdrive to combat the loss of basic thought processes... I have found the more I need to sleep, the more I tend to over think.  Whispers of thoughts so forcefully brushed to the back of my mind invade my waking moments.  Hell probably even into my sub-conscious I'm sure.  If I were to be able to remember my dreams rather than falling deep into REM I'm sure they would be packed full of meaning and confusing imagery.  For a while my dreams were extraordinarily demented.  I'm sure now they'd still be the same, reflecting the same theme over and over again.  I can't seem to get any of it together, I can't seem to choose a path and stick with it.  I keep backtracking to the same problems, only to find it harder, more difficult a terrain each time I pick a direction. 

I want it to come easily, but now I've just made it harder for me. I keep coming up with distractions from the real issues at hand, and now as the year quickly comes to a close, I find myself thinking...I wish I had the strength to defeat...myself.

Common sense tells you there's a difference between a need and a want. But there are many out there who just can't distinguish between the two. And sometimes even those of us who normally can, find ourselves wondering what the difference is. Sometimes we want something so badly we feel like we need it. Sometimes we try to justify that desire by saying we need it. It's an addiction. We fight to our very core by persuading ourselves that it's suppose to be a certain way. Yet somewhere deep down most of us realize that it's not actually true. So what happens when the line gets blurred and you find yourself stuck wondering what it is you really need versus what it is you're trying to convince yourself you need? What happens if you're wondering if what you need ends up turning out to be what you want? How do you separate the two?

Over thinking some things. Clearly not thinking enough about others. But I can't help what goes on in the internal dialogue...I can't make myself care. Or can I?

11.11.11

...you've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya...punk?!


Be careful what you wish for...

Money comes with hidden strings
Best prepare yourself for such things
Luck and Love are usually on the list
But they can turn and wicked twist
The Past sounds easy to wish for
But that path was set long before
Fame and Fortune you may desire
Though these are things of which you may tire

A simple wish for the gods today

Piece of mind is my wish what do you say?

 

 

 

 

TGIF. seriously. my head has been spinning all week :(

breathe, just breathe...

private thoughts of private flings
grieve the loss of private things
all alone with no one to turn to
fast forward through time to rise anew

You know you're messed up when your therapist feels the need to bust out the "Are you having scary thoughts about hurting yourself?"  I mean, I know that's a standard question to ask of anyone sitting in that room who clearly isn't in the right state of mind.  But wow...  No, I'm not contemplating on offing myself lady. Trust me. I value life far too much for that. No...I just want to go off the grid. Disappear.  Thankfully it's hibernation season, and I have an excuse for uncharacteristic grumpiness. 

Unfortunately, I'm going to insist on torturing myself with unrealistically romantic girly movies. The best line I can think of is "breathe, just breathe" a la Danielle (Ever After). So, that's all I'll be doing for a while. And indulging in massive quantities of ice cream and chocolate.

Going MIA. </3

:'(

holding on to the memories
etched in the sand
they could be washed away
by a wave or by my hand
but for now i'll treasure them
for now i'll build a moat
keeping the waves at bay
and holding my heart afloat
they're all there
the good and the bad
and for the first time
i treasure the happy and the sad
i'm dying here all alone
keeping you far from me
but its for the best
to just let you be
for now i hold the memory
of your eyes your hands your lips
for now i feel the ghosts
of your touches and your kiss
i'm sorry i had to break my promise
i'm sorry i had to let you go
i'm sorry i had to walk away
i'm sorry i had to hurt you so