Truth is...

What is truth? What is reality? If you perceive something to be such can it be considered truth? Truth as it is to you? Or does it only mean your lying to yourself?

The brain is a complex organ, our world is as we perceive it to be. But if your world is distorted, how do you know what is real, what is the truth?

Truth is...you don't.

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking, wondering what in heavens sake my truths are. I've come to the conclusion that I have no control over the reality that I find myself in. The reality where I am continually hurtling through this downward spiral, lost and completely alone. I feel like I've lost all control, but I know that's not true. Logically I know I still have complete say in the next turn of events but for some reason I am frozen in place. Wandering endlessly in the arid desert of my thoughts. Thirsting for a way out.

I'm lost in a circle of what if's. I'm clinging to memories and dreams, desperate for a different reality. I realize I have to let go and yet...I can't. I don't want to make myself. I need to move on and yet...I won't. My heart won't let me. The pain I feel is that which I've only caused myself. What I want to be there, isn't. No matter how much I dream of it.

I've managed to convince myself I need to stop torturing myself. That I need to just cut off all ties and leave it all behind me. But for some reason I'm still trying to make excuses because I know how much it hurts. Even if I'm the only one hurting. But I'm hurting myself more by going back and forth...

And that's the truth.

exactly.

What a year...

2011...the best yet worst and shortest yet longest year of my short existence. 2012 should be better right? It'll certainly be different.  My life is forever changed with this angelic addition:

Baby Clayton Rey...my little moo calf. The last 2 weeks I've been doing nothing but milking myself for him.  Moo... and every time I do I can't help but think..."I've got nipples Greg, can you milk me?"

While I have been blessed with an adorable healthy baby boy (and healthy he is...2 weeks early and a full 7 lbs 5 oz at birth.  Atta boy Clayton), I've been cursed with a perfect storm of hormones, stress, and feeling overwhelmed, leading me down this dark agonizing path deeper into myself.  Hiding myself from everyone, even those I hold close to my heart.  Pretending everything is ok, telling myself everything will be fine, even when I don't feel that way.  What's that saying again? Fake it 'til you make it.  I hate that saying but that's what I'm trying to do for now.  2012 isn't looking too bright...