What now?

It's a quiet morning. Most everyone is still slowly waking up. I can hear my mothers footsteps in her room.  Quiet giggles from my baby sister talking to Mom.  The dogs playing on the deck.  The gentle hum of the computer. The smell of my brewing tea. I'm suppose to be writing some stuff for my dad's eulogy but I can't.  Part of me still hasn't accepted that he's no longer on this world. Part of me expects him to walk down those stairs. I know that he won't so part of me feels so empty. The hole he left is larger than I would have anticipated, had I ever anticipated losing my dad this soon.  He wasn't suppose to go yet.  He wasn't ready to go yet. Yet he was snatched so forcefully from this life.  The things I can say about my dad - there's good and there's bad.   He was human like the rest of us.  But he was, for our family, a hero.  A wise-man.  A husband. A father. A grandfather.  We thought, or at least I did, that he'd live well over a century.  He held this family together.  And now I feel as if I shoulder a lot of that.  He has big shoes to fill. Big shoes. I sit here with mixed emotions, anger, confusion, deep sadness, all while simultaneously not feeling anything... The grief comes in waves.  The storm will pass but the loss will still be there. I grieve differently than my mom and my sisters.  I choose to grieve in silence.  Or try to.  I've broken down in front of everyone..in front of strangers.  But the moment is brief and I gather myself once more to get on with the day.  Still embarrassed as fuck that people see that part of me.  Mostly I feel lost.  What am I going to do now? How am I going to help my mom and my sisters?  How do I help them?  What now?