When we're 2, its the bumps on the head when we learn we can no longer stand under the table.
When we're 5, it's the too short, too tight, too small clothes pinching you in places that Dad puts on by accident.
When we're 10, its the gym shoes (again) that don't fit anymore 3 months after the summer goes by and your exasperated Mom has to run to the store to buy new ones the day before school starts.
When we're 13, it's the awkward feeling of your skin after a growth spurt and the stumbling over your own feet, and the soreness of your mouth after you get your braces tightened.
When we're 16, its the first heartache of breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
When we're 21, it's the hangover that teaches us the costs of a night or 2 of heavy drinking.
When we're 24, 25, 26...30, it's the pain of overcoming your fears to become stronger and wiser. It's the pain of the anxiety you feel right before you do something you're afraid to do. It's the pain of the disappointment and hurt you feel when you fail. It's the pain of the heartache of a divorce. It's the pain of the worry and panic you feel when your first child is learning something new because you don't want them to feel pain but you know...he's got to go through some pain in order to grow.
We all have these growing pains - and it's hard to describe it as a growing pain because we are trained to associate pain with a physical response. A lot of it is emotional pain. The kind of pain I learned to numb, ignore, push back... But then, it pushes back at you eventually. I'm learning a lot about myself and am finally aware of a lot of things that I did and still do because of the fear of pain.
Fear is a learned behavior. I watched my 2 year old bob up and down in the pool wondering - how is he not afraid? Even after he went under and I scrambled to pull him up...he still kept at it...unafraid. I myself clung to him for the next 10 mins trying to keep him in the shallows while he tried to jump in the pool like the big kids. Note to self: Get the boy swim lessons. I know my fears have grown over my lifetime. I know because I feel the anxiety of fear within myself. At times it can cause me to feel physical pain. It's not just the adrenaline pumping through your veins, the elevated heart rate, the uneven labored breaths.. It's that times 100. Feeling like your body is being ripped open and your guts mauled to shreds. Fighting tears because your head is so full of words and fear and blood. Dizzy and lightheaded from the pain, imagining every possible thing that could go wrong and imagining the WORST possible things that could go wrong and acting as if they will..fighting against the darkening cloud of false misfortunes. That's what it's like sometimes. Being afraid. I used to numb it...so I wouldn't have to feel it. If I felt the beginnings of it I turned around and went back to my safe zone. But it didn't help me get to where I wanted to be.
Now I have learned I can push back against the fear, against the pain. And come out the other side of the cloud. Learning I can doesn't mean I always will. But it's a step in the right direction...
