random thought of the day

Cockroaches can survive harsher environments... many can survive a nuclear blast and its aftermath... what would happen if we "seed" another planet with a ton of cockroaches?  Do you think they would just die? Or..possibly...evolve into something alien? On that note...has that been attempted before? Are we an evolution of something that was dropped on this planet perhaps as a way to rid a far away world of their pests? Or maybe just as a scientific experiment? Is some alien species observing us for their scientific purposes?

Hmm....

Life as a SAHM

I'm so not made for life at home.  I'm domesticated for sure..I love to cook for my family, I love spending time with my family, and I definitely love sleeping in til the kid demands to be up.  I don't mind cleaning (usually) and doing house chores, or even looking after my grandma (most days) who's quickly fading into the depths of Alzheimer's and most of the time doesn't remember who I am or that she's not a child herself.  But my dirty truth is I'd so much rather love to be working.  Working away from the house.  Maybe its because I'm kind of stuck right now living in my childhood home and life as an adult, a single mom, and unemployed is a huge part of why I would rather be away from this house. This house that's full of parental expectations, judgement on how I raise my son, and people. So many people.  That's probably a huge reason why, but I'm aware enough to know that even if I had my own place with my little family, I would still go nuts at home.  I need a change of scenery.

You know what my typical day looks like?
8am - Wake up and prepare breakfast for me, the kid, and my grandma, try to convince the kid m&m's are not acceptable breakfast foods
somewhere around 8:30 and 9a - try to convince both kid and grandma to finish eating their breakfast and remind grandma to take her medications
9:30a - clean up the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher, etc
10am - put myself and the kid in regular clothes...or not. depending on my mood
somewhere between 10 and 11am - juggle between trying to job hunt/prepare for interviews/entertaining the 4 year old who's got the attention span of a goldfish
11am - try to convince grandma she doesn't have to cook anything, try to convince the kid m&ms are not acceptable lunch food
11:15am - try to convince grandma she doesnt have to cook anything, try to convince the kid ice pops are not acceptable lunch food
11:30am - convince grandma that i'm going to cook so she doesnt have to cook anything, try to convince the kid to eat ANYTHING other than ketchup sandwiches and waffles, end up negotiating red bell peppers, some kind of fruit, and a veggie squeeze pack in addition to the ketchup sandwich/waffle
12pm - prepare lunch for me, the kid, and grandma
12:30pm - try to convince kid and grandma to finish eating their lunch and make grandma take her medications
1pm - try to convince the kid he should nap, end up negotiating quiet time
1:30pm - shower...because i finally have time to
somewhere between 2 and 3pm -juggle between trying to job hunt/prepare for interviews/entertaining the 4 year old who's got the attention span of a goldfish
somewhere before dinner - try to convince the kid m&m's are not for dinner but he can have them for dessert then deal with resulting meltdown because the kid didnt get a nap
Repeat the lunch situation for dinner, which is usually served around 5:30-6pm then clean up the kitchen, put dishes away, etc
After dinner - juggle an overly tired and sensitive 4 year old into the tub/pajamas to get ready for bedtime

I know it doesn't sound like a lot..but I guarantee by 9pm I'm ready for bed... especially on days I do laundry in the in between times of randomness.

Today I have been trying to prepare for an interview for a job that I actually think I really want based on the job posting and talking with the recruiter. Preparing answers to potential questions to which I really have no good answers for and questions about the company and the company culture.  Because what if they have an issue with my tattoos or my preference for pink hair?! Being an engineer that doesn't fit the engineer mold kind of limits my search and eliminates some of the more conservative places that would scoff at my "vibrant personality".  But how am I suppose to do that when my train of thought is disrupted every few minutes?  How am I suppose to concentrate when the kid wants to sit in my lap and use my computer? Sigh.

Let the countdown begin...

release me

i'm stuck in my head
in a million fantasies
what life could be like
a different side of me
give me something new
give me something real
he's got me all dreaming
about how good it all feels
curled against mornings light
intertwined, divine
drowning from a height
boy let me go, release me
need to go back to the truth
those blues locked me in
like some uncut youth
i'm holding on to nothing
to something that's not there
for what, a fleeting memory
get out, it's just not fair
boy let me go, release me

In the dark of the night..

I knew drinking a Pepsi with dinner was a poor decision.  I knew the caffeine would keep me up, I knew the sugar wasn't what my body needed, I knew I shouldn't...and yet. I did.  Maybe one of these days, I'll learn...

I lay awake staring at the ceiling lit by the light of the streetlamp streaming through my bedroom window..watching the shadows, trying not to let my overactive imagination get the best of me.  That's not a person I tell myself, that's just the shadow of the tree outside. A barrage of thoughts filled my head as I struggled to clear my mind and relax my body.  A meditation tape played in the background, music softly attempting to soothe my wild energy.  Unpredictable flares emit from my soul, black as the shadows above me.  A darkness...and then tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm just an empty shell, no substance, no personality.  Easily filled with the energy of those who surround me. I'm a succubus. I contribute nothing to the world...I only consume. A pretty face with no soul. No wonder no one loves me for very long. Negative energy. Purging from my body. Drowning me in darkness. A flash of anger. A red streak of energy bursts through the tears. WRONG. A mind shift. I wipe the tears from my face and in a breath release the black lies of shame. I breathe in the moonlight and it fills my soul.  I was someone.  I still am that someone.  I just pushed it down and boxed it up inside.  And buried it. I buried it under piles of all the things I thought I needed to be, the person I thought I should be.  That box has all of me in it.  And it's calling to me.  Dig it up. Open it.  I envision a ball of colorful energy suppressed by glittery darkness. There I am.  Here I am, I hear. A smile. A sigh. Golden tendrils creep forth and embrace me.  Calm. Relaxation. Sleep.

This is human.  

daddys girl

i never considered myself a 'daddy's girl'.  my dad and i never quite had that kind of relationship.  growing up he was hard on me to do my best, be the best, know how to do basically everything.  i always thought he just expected me to live up to his standards of success.  and i hated it.  i resented it. i fought it with every atom in my body.  i hated the lectures, the long emails, the times he called me 'too emotional'...

but i always knew i craved his approval, his praise.  i always wanted to make him proud of me. what can i say? the truth is, i have 'asian parents'.  they expect the best.

except i'm not the best. not by a long shot.  but my dad has always been there if i asked for help.  always.

maybe it's the lack of sleep, the enormity of the stress i'm under, the foreboding mystery of the immediate future. but today, i need my daddy. not the father who expects his oldest daughter to keep herself together, be logical and rational.  not the father who lectures to teach me a lesson.  i need my daddy... today, i am the scared little girl who fell down and scraped her knee.  today i'm the scared and angry teenager who just was told her professor is failing her out of her psychology class because he thought she cheated.  today, i am the terrified single mother of his first and only grandson who is about to go through a potentially messy divorce and has drained her savings and has been relying on the shelter of her childhood home for too long... today, i NEED my daddy.

i am soooo a daddy's girl.

Open Seas

I steered my ship into the open sea
Away from the lands of familiarity
With the biggest breath I drew
I forced the winds and away we flew
Now in the dead of night
I wonder if it was right
And now it's the silent, calm seas
Drifting slowly without the breeze
I sit afloat my vessel and wonder
How much more breath can I muster
To take me out into the blackest seas
Fog so dense brings me to the knees
Gaze up at the stars and pray to the one
Please help me through this, me and my son
Help me find my truest true north
Shine bright so I may go forth
Give me the courage to brave my fears
All with blind eyes and all with deaf ears
Help me to release all of my doubt
Let it go to let you in and show me the route
I steered my ship into the open sea
I brought it here to finally be free