Remember When...

Do you remember? Remember the days, not too long ago.

When we would walk together, and I loved you so?

When a simple message could brighten my day

When a hug and a kiss didn't feel so far away

And painfully, slowly, over time you pushed me from you

Cut me out and I stood there, not knowing what to do

I'm still wondering if I'll ever be let back inside

Still wishing and hoping for the pain to subside

Do you remember? Remember how we would laugh?

When we'd spend hours smiling, when you were my other half

When a touch didn't hurt and a look didn't sting

And painfully, slowly, I stopped wearing my ring

I know I have baggage, I know I come with a lot

But I know I'll give you everything, all of me more often than not

Do you remember? Remember when we would talk?

When you'd tell me everything and I didn't have to knock

When I'd tell you everything and I didn't have to fear

But painfully, slowly I started hiding what I thought you didn't want to hear

Defeated Deflated Demoralized and Confused

I'm holding myself together but I feel beaten and used

Don't tell me you still want me, don't tell me you care

Don't feel sad when I'm sad, when you're not even there

I see you through the window sad and alone

I wish I was the one you would call on the phone

But I'm just a shadow, a glimmer of what's past

And one day I'll fade away, fade away at last

Do you remember? Remember when you were there for me?

I was lost and despised but you helped me keep going you helped me be free

Now its my turn to support you, my turn to hold you up

But you won't allow it, I can't fill your cup

Do you remember? Remember when you let me go?

Probably not, because you didn't even know

But that's what happens when you shut someone like me out

I can't get through no matter how high I jump, no matter how loud I shout

I can try only so much, before its no use

The tether unravels a while before its finally cut loose

I still don't know if it's me and what I bring to the table

Or if you just like when your life is unstable

How many times have I told myself I'm done.

No more, screw you, you're not the one

Put my faith in my God and my head to my tasks

Be who I am, no mirrors or masks

Keeping up my health and the health of my son

Living my life, finding my joy and having my fun

Remember, remember me when

You open the door and let someone in

There will always be someone in the world out there

Someone who loves you, who really does care

It seems like I'm not the one, the one you'll adore

But at least whoever it is, they got you to open the door

Remember, remember me when 

You're happy and you can truly smile again.

...what now?...

...There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout!...

ANGST.

I don't know what's right. All I know is I'm angry. I wish I could beat something up. But I'm suppose to be straight faced right now so I'm screaming internally. 

Yup. That about sums it up.  Particularly this one:

All better. Thanks, blog world.

Looking Glass

Staring through the looking glass

Watching another me

Observing who that person is

Surprised at  what I see

If only I could reach through to her

and whisper in her ear

I'd say, "There's so much more to go

but the ending's drawing near

You're stronger now than you were before

The darkness is but fleeting

You've got a flame inside of you

And it just needs some tending

Knowing where you have to go

The things you have to do

Just follow His voice inside your heart

And it'll help you through

I know it's terribly frightening

to think about what's next

But know that whatever you do

It's probably for the best"

I'd look her in the face and say

"Chin up my dear, I know it's true

I know because that was me

I know because I am you"

I watch her through my looking glass

I smile because I know

She'll make it through the darkest days

Because I'm the proof that shows

Or maybe that's just because

I know the future me

Is looking thru her looking glass

and smiling at what she sees

oh, hello again.

Facebook is not my means to vent.  Nor do I want it to be...so...I return to the world of blogging.

What does it mean when you go through a business and life coaching program and your personality assessment is rated lower than when you started?? I'm not even comparing my results to other people I know in the program...I'm just comparing myself now to myself 6 months ago! How do I not feel a little disappointed?

I'm having a difficult time reading this assessment.  I know its not meant to critique my thoughts but when they go and rate each area with a percentage in clarity...I can't but help feeling critiqued. Then up go the walls...

I was going to delete that...and then I realized I should probably discuss it because I went through my assessment again, and realized the first time I read it, I was completely wrong!! It truly goes to show the mindset that I was in at the time of reading it.  Sometimes, when you're feeling that poorly about yourself everything feels like criticism.  Negative criticism.  And that spins you into this cycle of bad to worse. You start getting defensive and the little voice inside your head insists you're right.  Even when you couldn't be more wrong.

I still had a hard time reading my assessment because it told me about me. What kinds of thoughts I had and how it manifests in my actions.  So true it's scary.  But one thing I learned through the program is there's much more going on inside me.  I was embarrassed to admit that I failed, but that was ok.  And the others in my group felt some of that failure too.  I haven't learned to stop comparing myself to others yet.  I haven't learned to show up for people.  But I have learned what is stopping me from being able to commit to anything with all my heart.  Because I do not believe yet that I am worthy of all that I have.  I don't think I'm good enough to do anything...yet I'm good at a lot of things.  I could be great...if I put in the effort to be great. But I stop myself...because I couldn't be the best.  More over, I don't think I'm worthy of being the best. Hence the lack of motivation to even try...and if I happen upon success by chance I subconsciously do not feel worthy of such successes and unconsciously sabotage myself.

But I'm not perfect, I am good, I am enough, and I deserve the love and the blessings given to me.

Smiling in the Rain

Standing in the rain with a smile on my face
my thoughts are drifting to a dark shadow place
the rain blends with tears fallen on my cheek
my smile is my mask so no one sees I'm weak
I know this feeling, this place all too well
but only I know my special place in hell
I've gotten out before, I'll do it again
this time it's up to me, the how and the when
so for now i'll sit and pout, burning in my flames
smiling in the rain, while you play silly games.

My own brilliance astounds me sometimes...

...or maybe I'm just hyped up on caffeine and sugar and running on a serious sleep deficit.

Today I've come up with the most amazing idea ever.  Tomorrow...I may read this and think..Tessa, you're an idiot.  But at the moment it's ingenious...

Introducing.... "The BrunchBox", Meals on Wheels Food Truck.  Serving eclectic fusion brunch options, complete with mini bento boxes! Fresh squeezed orange juice, and moscato mimosas to complete the meal!

I'll have an entire fleet of BrunchBox wheels...and one special truck... "The BrunchBox Bakes", Mama's oven hits the road!  Mini cakes and baked takes.

G'D@mn I'm good....