baby love

love love love

had baby pics taken by a friend (2.11.12)

 

these 2 were edited

Numb

devoid of feelings
of promises and meanings
not right in the head
walking around like the dead
hanging onto reality
drifting towards insanity
the silence is daunting
the ghosts are haunting
heavy burdens all the lies
unacknowledged all the tries
the secrets inside char the heart
electric shocks for it to start
tears lock this man of tin
echos of the emptiness within

what do you do when you feel nothing? a hollow emptiness?  nothing seems to fill the void.

Friday

my lack of productivity today is concerning.  but who the fuck cares?  its friday. 

keep me in your heart.

hearts day

"Did you know that the iconic valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart but rather on the shape of a buttocks of a female bending over?"

So I spent about an hour creating a playlist of a bunch of lovey type songs in honor of this very hallmark holiday. I filled a whole day's worth of music into it. There are a lot of boy bands and oldies and r&b.  Oh, and Whitney.  RIP Whitney.

Rockin love songs that make my heart hurt in a very masochistic way. Sigh.

Truth is...

What is truth? What is reality? If you perceive something to be such can it be considered truth? Truth as it is to you? Or does it only mean your lying to yourself?

The brain is a complex organ, our world is as we perceive it to be. But if your world is distorted, how do you know what is real, what is the truth?

Truth is...you don't.

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking, wondering what in heavens sake my truths are. I've come to the conclusion that I have no control over the reality that I find myself in. The reality where I am continually hurtling through this downward spiral, lost and completely alone. I feel like I've lost all control, but I know that's not true. Logically I know I still have complete say in the next turn of events but for some reason I am frozen in place. Wandering endlessly in the arid desert of my thoughts. Thirsting for a way out.

I'm lost in a circle of what if's. I'm clinging to memories and dreams, desperate for a different reality. I realize I have to let go and yet...I can't. I don't want to make myself. I need to move on and yet...I won't. My heart won't let me. The pain I feel is that which I've only caused myself. What I want to be there, isn't. No matter how much I dream of it.

I've managed to convince myself I need to stop torturing myself. That I need to just cut off all ties and leave it all behind me. But for some reason I'm still trying to make excuses because I know how much it hurts. Even if I'm the only one hurting. But I'm hurting myself more by going back and forth...

And that's the truth.

exactly.