i need a hobby.

i'm going nuts.  i can't stand the devastatingly empty feel to this house.  luckily the last few days i have managed to find myself occupied, however tonight i'm left alone to my own overly pessimistic flood of thoughts and no motivation to do a thing.  not even to read.  my head is throbbing in pain from the pure overuse of my brain over the period of the last few days.  unfortunately as i force my thoughts to slow, an aching pain in my chest grows that never have i experienced before. absolute loneliness.  surrounding myself with distractions and people throughout the day only temporarily abates this ever increasing heaviness clawing at the insides of my body. its impossible to fight the feeling knowing it could have all just been prevented.  though i still try to regardless and that battle has left me numb. now all there is to feel is the emptiness.  no tears flow to release the pain as it builds and ruminates within me.  the fear generated by not knowing what lays ahead cripples my ability to care past the basics of eating, sleeping, and bathing.  i find i am missing the simple things and small daily interactions and conversations that i never realized i took for granted.   its true, you know, what they say about not knowing what you'll miss til it's gone....

i need to be occupied. maybe i should bake...blueberry muffins sound yummy...now if i only had some blueberries...

waiting

i'm waiting for a sign
anything to tell me you're still mine
i'm waiting for you to call
to know whether you think about me at all
i'm waiting, laying on the bed
with these thoughts just rushing, gushing through my head
i'm waiting for you to know
that really still love you so
my heart aches
i'll do anything it takes
please just come back to me
i promise i'll make you see
just how much i need you
and that i'm sorry
for everything i've done
you're still my number one
but i know you still need time
to sort through all that's on your mind
so i'm waiting, waiting for you
hoping you still love me too...

i got puffy eyes and a runny nose

people make mistakes. but sometimes those mistakes cost you...big time. and sometimes hearts break.  mines broken in a thousand pieces but it's not even the worst of it.  i don't know if i'll ever come back from the mistakes i've made...not this time. i know deep in my heart i may have destroyed things beyond repair and things will never be the same. i just want to lie down and disappear from the world.  not literally of course...life is a gift and it's not just my own life on the line anymore.

The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home
See no light of day.
Dust gathers on my stereo
Cuz I can't bear to hear the radio
The piano sits in a shaded space
With a picture of your face.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared.

Coffee stains on your favorite book
Remind me of you so I can't take a look.
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore.

A towel left hangin on the wall,
No sign of wet foosteps in the hall
There's no smell of your sweet cologne.
I'm lying here alone.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and now I'm scared.

I'm scared to face another day
Cuz the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone, now I'm scared.
In an instant you were gone and I'm scared.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Forget morning sickness...the only time I'm nauseous is when I have an empty stomach.  And I either have no appetite, and have to force myself to eat or I will get nauseous. Or I am ravenously hungry for 12 hrs straight and eat so much I make myself nauseous.  At the moment I happen to be ravenously hungry.  It is this never ending battle to be half full all day long.  It should go away soon.  At least that's what I hear...

Off I go to find food to eat....

some adele love...

...and every time I'm meant to be acting sensible you drift into my head and turn me into a crumbling fool...

...nobody's perfect trust me i've learned it...

In the "Magnited States of America"...

...we make fun of dumb people.

I love that the theater, instead of calling her dumb butt up and kissing her ass to apologize, added it as a warning to future movie patrons who chose to ignore movie etiquette and still use their cell phones during the feature film. 

I know that I, myself, have used my phone to text during the previews and immediately feel bad about illuminating the immediate area with my bright screen in a darkened theater.  Doesn't matter that your phone is on silent, if it's vibrating, it's buzzing and we can hear it.

Looks like Idiocracy was right.  The dumb shall inherit the world.  Good thing I won't be alive to see it happen.

untitled.

Nothing new, nothing clever to say or do.
Thoughts are fleeting, never ceasing.
Driven crazy, getting hazy, always lazy.
It's up, it's down, it's all around.
Not the same, not a game.
It isn't fair, to not be elsewhere.
Where dragons roam, outside my home.
Seek sanctuary, the world is scary.
Run away, or should I stay?