daddys girl

i never considered myself a 'daddy's girl'.  my dad and i never quite had that kind of relationship.  growing up he was hard on me to do my best, be the best, know how to do basically everything.  i always thought he just expected me to live up to his standards of success.  and i hated it.  i resented it. i fought it with every atom in my body.  i hated the lectures, the long emails, the times he called me 'too emotional'...

but i always knew i craved his approval, his praise.  i always wanted to make him proud of me. what can i say? the truth is, i have 'asian parents'.  they expect the best.

except i'm not the best. not by a long shot.  but my dad has always been there if i asked for help.  always.

maybe it's the lack of sleep, the enormity of the stress i'm under, the foreboding mystery of the immediate future. but today, i need my daddy. not the father who expects his oldest daughter to keep herself together, be logical and rational.  not the father who lectures to teach me a lesson.  i need my daddy... today, i am the scared little girl who fell down and scraped her knee.  today i'm the scared and angry teenager who just was told her professor is failing her out of her psychology class because he thought she cheated.  today, i am the terrified single mother of his first and only grandson who is about to go through a potentially messy divorce and has drained her savings and has been relying on the shelter of her childhood home for too long... today, i NEED my daddy.

i am soooo a daddy's girl.

Open Seas

I steered my ship into the open sea
Away from the lands of familiarity
With the biggest breath I drew
I forced the winds and away we flew
Now in the dead of night
I wonder if it was right
And now it's the silent, calm seas
Drifting slowly without the breeze
I sit afloat my vessel and wonder
How much more breath can I muster
To take me out into the blackest seas
Fog so dense brings me to the knees
Gaze up at the stars and pray to the one
Please help me through this, me and my son
Help me find my truest true north
Shine bright so I may go forth
Give me the courage to brave my fears
All with blind eyes and all with deaf ears
Help me to release all of my doubt
Let it go to let you in and show me the route
I steered my ship into the open sea
I brought it here to finally be free