Dark Spaces

Fiery tendrils lick at my ankles as I walk through the abyss

I seem all too familiar with these drab hidden places

As I weave through the flames, their warmth is a fallacy

Caressing me, offering peace and tranquility.

A lie. I know this.

I wander, I wonder.

How long am I going to be here this time?

Will the flames engulf me as they had before?

How did I find myself in these silent valleys again?

Surrounded by looming ebony mountains on every side.

This place is a part of me, though I’d rather not visit.

Grateful in a way, however, I’ve been here before

The path out has already been worn

I’ll find it. I know this.

Love and hope tug at the unseen strings around my heart

Guiding me so my steps won’t fall amiss

My thoughts frighten me. I'm alone in a dark empty corner of my mind. I hate this feeling. But I'm grateful. I have someone who sees me, loves me enough to handle me when I disappear...to bring me back. Tries to at least. I need some time away and he knows it. Trying to practice gratitude.  It's hard but I know from past experience even the smallest things I could be grateful for can bring a lot of hope and light into the darkest spaces inside. So the smallest things today. Like he made the bed this morning for me. The biggest hugs from the little man before I dropped him off to be picked up by his dad. Domo the Flash (aka Flash Domo). He looked into weekend getaways for us by the beach because he knows I love the beach. Love. There is so much love in my life. I am grateful for that. It's already working.  Just need to hold on to that feeling and I'll get through this.

What now?

It's a quiet morning. Most everyone is still slowly waking up. I can hear my mothers footsteps in her room.  Quiet giggles from my baby sister talking to Mom.  The dogs playing on the deck.  The gentle hum of the computer. The smell of my brewing tea. I'm suppose to be writing some stuff for my dad's eulogy but I can't.  Part of me still hasn't accepted that he's no longer on this world. Part of me expects him to walk down those stairs. I know that he won't so part of me feels so empty. The hole he left is larger than I would have anticipated, had I ever anticipated losing my dad this soon.  He wasn't suppose to go yet.  He wasn't ready to go yet. Yet he was snatched so forcefully from this life.  The things I can say about my dad - there's good and there's bad.   He was human like the rest of us.  But he was, for our family, a hero.  A wise-man.  A husband. A father. A grandfather.  We thought, or at least I did, that he'd live well over a century.  He held this family together.  And now I feel as if I shoulder a lot of that.  He has big shoes to fill. Big shoes. I sit here with mixed emotions, anger, confusion, deep sadness, all while simultaneously not feeling anything... The grief comes in waves.  The storm will pass but the loss will still be there. I grieve differently than my mom and my sisters.  I choose to grieve in silence.  Or try to.  I've broken down in front of everyone..in front of strangers.  But the moment is brief and I gather myself once more to get on with the day.  Still embarrassed as fuck that people see that part of me.  Mostly I feel lost.  What am I going to do now? How am I going to help my mom and my sisters?  How do I help them?  What now?

All the feels...

You know what's terrifying?  Meeting someone that doesn't quite fit into your image of the perfect match.  In fact, they're so completely opposite in many ways that you question why you would even continue to talk to them.  But then... the longer you talk to them, the more you get to know them, the more you find the other things you didn't account for in that "perfect" guy.  And everything you thought you knew you wanted gets blown up.

I'm suddenly reminded of all the things I used to dream about in a romance. The things that I had started to believe only happened in romantic comedies.  All the little seemingly insignificant things that used to make my dream heart flutter.  The butterflies took their damn time but they're still there. Every look, every kiss, every touch, the things he does, the things he says...I'm falling and it scares me.

Now I have to re-evaluate everything I thought I needed. And prepare for the onslaught of questions from my family and friends once they find out. Here goes....

random thought of the day

Cockroaches can survive harsher environments... many can survive a nuclear blast and its aftermath... what would happen if we "seed" another planet with a ton of cockroaches?  Do you think they would just die? Or..possibly...evolve into something alien? On that note...has that been attempted before? Are we an evolution of something that was dropped on this planet perhaps as a way to rid a far away world of their pests? Or maybe just as a scientific experiment? Is some alien species observing us for their scientific purposes?

Hmm....

Life as a SAHM

I'm so not made for life at home.  I'm domesticated for sure..I love to cook for my family, I love spending time with my family, and I definitely love sleeping in til the kid demands to be up.  I don't mind cleaning (usually) and doing house chores, or even looking after my grandma (most days) who's quickly fading into the depths of Alzheimer's and most of the time doesn't remember who I am or that she's not a child herself.  But my dirty truth is I'd so much rather love to be working.  Working away from the house.  Maybe its because I'm kind of stuck right now living in my childhood home and life as an adult, a single mom, and unemployed is a huge part of why I would rather be away from this house. This house that's full of parental expectations, judgement on how I raise my son, and people. So many people.  That's probably a huge reason why, but I'm aware enough to know that even if I had my own place with my little family, I would still go nuts at home.  I need a change of scenery.

You know what my typical day looks like?
8am - Wake up and prepare breakfast for me, the kid, and my grandma, try to convince the kid m&m's are not acceptable breakfast foods
somewhere around 8:30 and 9a - try to convince both kid and grandma to finish eating their breakfast and remind grandma to take her medications
9:30a - clean up the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher, etc
10am - put myself and the kid in regular clothes...or not. depending on my mood
somewhere between 10 and 11am - juggle between trying to job hunt/prepare for interviews/entertaining the 4 year old who's got the attention span of a goldfish
11am - try to convince grandma she doesn't have to cook anything, try to convince the kid m&ms are not acceptable lunch food
11:15am - try to convince grandma she doesnt have to cook anything, try to convince the kid ice pops are not acceptable lunch food
11:30am - convince grandma that i'm going to cook so she doesnt have to cook anything, try to convince the kid to eat ANYTHING other than ketchup sandwiches and waffles, end up negotiating red bell peppers, some kind of fruit, and a veggie squeeze pack in addition to the ketchup sandwich/waffle
12pm - prepare lunch for me, the kid, and grandma
12:30pm - try to convince kid and grandma to finish eating their lunch and make grandma take her medications
1pm - try to convince the kid he should nap, end up negotiating quiet time
1:30pm - shower...because i finally have time to
somewhere between 2 and 3pm -juggle between trying to job hunt/prepare for interviews/entertaining the 4 year old who's got the attention span of a goldfish
somewhere before dinner - try to convince the kid m&m's are not for dinner but he can have them for dessert then deal with resulting meltdown because the kid didnt get a nap
Repeat the lunch situation for dinner, which is usually served around 5:30-6pm then clean up the kitchen, put dishes away, etc
After dinner - juggle an overly tired and sensitive 4 year old into the tub/pajamas to get ready for bedtime

I know it doesn't sound like a lot..but I guarantee by 9pm I'm ready for bed... especially on days I do laundry in the in between times of randomness.

Today I have been trying to prepare for an interview for a job that I actually think I really want based on the job posting and talking with the recruiter. Preparing answers to potential questions to which I really have no good answers for and questions about the company and the company culture.  Because what if they have an issue with my tattoos or my preference for pink hair?! Being an engineer that doesn't fit the engineer mold kind of limits my search and eliminates some of the more conservative places that would scoff at my "vibrant personality".  But how am I suppose to do that when my train of thought is disrupted every few minutes?  How am I suppose to concentrate when the kid wants to sit in my lap and use my computer? Sigh.

Let the countdown begin...

release me

i'm stuck in my head
in a million fantasies
what life could be like
a different side of me
give me something new
give me something real
he's got me all dreaming
about how good it all feels
curled against mornings light
intertwined, divine
drowning from a height
boy let me go, release me
need to go back to the truth
those blues locked me in
like some uncut youth
i'm holding on to nothing
to something that's not there
for what, a fleeting memory
get out, it's just not fair
boy let me go, release me